Author: Bjorn Knoxley

At a press conference this week, Christopher Kringle announced that the North Pole Business Development Group has selected Knoxville-based McCarty Holsaple McCarty to build a new toy factory. McCarty Holsaple McCarty has recently designed several high profile buildings; including the Rainbow Vault in Ireleand and the controversial 12-acre chicken coop commissioned by the Easter Bunny….

A study published last week analyzed 6 months of letters to the editor of local newspapers, including the News Sentinel and the Metro Pulse. The researchers found that 7 out of 10 readers were more depressed after reading the letters than before. The other three readers never made it past the second letter. Three of…

Knoxpatch.com can confirm that late last night, a Farragut man who swerved to avoid a speedbump hit a pothole instead. Witnesses say the man, driving a 1997 Nissan Altima, had been swerving all over the road trying to avoid various obstacles, such as speed bumps, potholes, possums, and autumn leaves. The AAA tow truck driver…

Already bruised by her own party, Democrat House Speaker Pelosi returned home yesterday to further problems. 911 tapes reveal that Pelosi walked in on three kids stealing her MAD Magazine collection. Pelosi caught the suspects on her property red handed. In the 911 call, she tells the operator, “I can’t talk right now. There’s somebody…

After years of defending his defensive coordinator, Coach Phillip Fulmer has announced the resignation of Johnny Chavis. To fill this position, Fulmer tapped the newly unemployed Donald Rumsfeld to become the new Secretary of Defensive Coordination. Although Chavis has been effective since accepting the position of defensive coordinator in 1995, Fulmer feels that change was…

KNOXVILLE – Mayor Haslam has approved the construction of a fence along parts of the Knoxville border aimed at preventing outsiders from benefiting from city services for free. Supporters said the fence would cut down on crime and drug smuggling. But Steve Hall, fence opponent and City Council Member, was quick to point out that…

Mr. Bubble, born in the 1940s, has acknowledged he is “very content gay.” “I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man. My partner, Neil Patrick Harris, and I are living life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be…

Knoxville (Knoxpatch) Nearly a day earlier than expected, a judgment has been delivered following a lengthy trial for Saddam Hussein. Saddam, 69, has been convicted of crimes against humanity and multiple atrocities during his rein of terror. Many expected that Saddam would be sentenced to hang. Instead, Saddam has been sentenced to live out the…

The Grinch has likely taken a top management position with the increasingly flawed Wal-Mart Stores Inc. They recently announced that layaway will no longer be an option for shoppers. The announcement, coming this close to the holidays, is yet another way for the company to decrease costs rather than serve the public. Those hurt the…

TDOT and Baptist Health System have struck an agreement that will allow Baptist to continue using their new eye-catching billboards reminiscent of directional signs. According to TDOT officials, the biggest problem with the campaign was the language ‘Clogged Arteries?’ “By phrasing this as a question, it implies that the streets may not be clogged. If…

Newly appointed General “Wild Bill” Hodge has announced that Action Sports Media has officially purchased the Big Orange Army. “It’s the perfect time for Action Sports Media to enter the fruit wars, now that we have all the spare time from losing the University of Tennessee marketing account” says Hodge, “and we’ll be able catch…

A prominent Knoxville man was stopped outside Preservation Pub on Market Square yesterday after multiple complaints that he had run over several peoples’ toes with his Segway. The officer on duty says the offending gentleman was very polite, and seemed to really enjoy seeing women take their shoes off to check for damaged toes while…

Top federal, state and local officials were on hand recently for the ribbon cutting of a new $18 million home designed to serve vets in East Tennessee. Although most agree that the facility is needed, arguments have arisen about where the funding should have come from. The federal government has provided about 65 percent of…

The Women’s Basketball Hall of Fame unceremoniously hit a milestone yesterday when an unexpected rush of a single visitor appeared. “Projections had indicated that the 50th visitor would appear sometime near Christmas this year, so we were caught completely off-guard.” stated Robin Hamilton, museum spokesperson. “If this trend holds, we could see a need for…

In an unprecedented move of desperation, Harold Ford, Jr. is taking his message to the people. This time, by interrupting the Bar Mitzvah of a 12-year-old boy in Knoxville. During the service, after complete participation and reading from the Torah, Ford gave a moving account of how growing up in a non-Jewish political family brought…