Knoxpatch.com

Tennessee Valley shedding water at an alarming rate

Bjorn Knoxley — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:40:58 +0000

A new study indicates that the Tennessee Valley is shedding water at an alarming rate. If nothing is done to stop it, all water in the Tennessee Valley will soon enter the Tennessee River, the Ohio River, the Mississippi River, and finally the Gulf of Mexico, causing ocean levels to rise. The study, funded by a PAC, was conducted by independent scientist Ian Belland.

“Climate change is real,” explained Belland. “As proof of that, my study has shown that water is leaving the Valley at an alarming rate. ALL water is leaving. If all the water leaves, that is a bad thing, as the water levels in all our streams, lakes, and rivers decrease,” he continued.

“Well yes, I received a sizable grant for my study. From a PAC, but this isn’t politically motivated,” he told us on further questioning, “but that isn’t the point. The point is that higher taxes, more legislation, plug-in hybrids, and limited flushing are the only solutions.”

When asked whether it would rain enough to offset the water losses, Belland admitted, “Well yes, rain will replace all or most of the shed water. Of course. But I wasn’t asked to study that.”

Chattanooga to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’

Ima Jeane Poole — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:40:58 +0000

It’s more than just talk. Chattanooga is to be renamed ‘Chatlanta’, becoming a suburb of Atlanta, GA. It all began with plans for Chattanooga to house Atlanta’s second airport. Now Chatlanta will house all the waste disposal facilities for both areas and have agreed to keep all the homeless in the greater Chatlanta area, making Atlanta a safer, more enjoyable area for people to visit.

When current Chattanooga residents were asked about the conversion, the general consensus was ‘Seriously? I’m out’. The housing market has been flooded with new homes for sale in the Chattanooga area. They are priced to sell.

Knoxpatch.com organizing cash mob

Bjorn Knoxley — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:51:43 +0000

Inspired by the efforts of Knox County Mayor Tim Burchett, we at Knoxpatch.com would like to organize our own cash mob. Please send us as much money as you can, and we will gladly use it to benefit local businesses. Especially pubs.

Meth tourism gaining popularity in East Tennessee

Bjorn Knoxley — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:01:39 +0000

With the unbridled success of the Meth Trail, which started last year across rural counties of East Tennessee, many county governments are looking to raise some much-needed revenue by promoting Meth Tourism.

Meth, short for methamphetamine, is a drug preferred by rural, dysfunctional people with addictive personalities and a penchant for inbreeding. It is made rather easily using make-shift labs located in outhouses, sheds, vehicle trunks, or right in front of the TV. Ingredients are readily available at most grocery and drug stores.

Due to the explosive nature of meth labs, and the fact that only highly trained technicians should handle meth or meth-making equipment, tourists are encouraged to look but not touch while visiting these Meth Tourism hotspots, unless assisted by a Meth Professional. In addition to the Meth Trail, which traverses many rural East Tennessee areas and encompasses some of the most notorious meth-making regions, several meth tasting rooms have really taken off, and many more are under development.

In fact, meth tourism has become such a sure bet that a new Pigeon Forge attraction is set to open next fall. “It’s a Meth, Meth, Meth World” will be part museum, part tasting room, and all fun. Some of the more famous meth makers will demonstrate their trade and let you sample their wares. Games, such as the Meth Scramble, will challenge you to get the best access to the most Sudafed, as you race against the clock to fill your meth orders without blowing yourself or your children up.

Local law enforcement officials hope that Meth Tourism will encourage meth consumers and manufacturers to develop safer practices and make the news far less often so that resources can be devoted to more urgent matters, such as pot and speeding. One county has already purchased a Predator drone with the funds derived from the Meth Trail, and hopes to be fully involved in catching speeders and pot growers right after their training session next month.

Ten more shops closed for selling synthetic herbs

Bjorn Knoxley — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:59:47 +0000

After cracking down on so-called “head shops” for selling synthetic marijuana, the Knoxville Police Department and District Attorney General’s Office began cracking down on shops that sell other synthetic herbs. Each of the shops participated in the illicit sell or trade of synthetic oregano, thyme, parsley, and rosemary. “When food is prepared using these synthetic herbs, it just doesn’t taste right,” explained District Attorney General Randy Nichols. “Furthermore, tests have shown that bad food causes indigestion, and indigestion has been proven to lead to hallucinations in some rare, but proven, cases,” he added. Ten shops in total were padlocked, including Wal-Mart on Chapman Highway, Mystical Totally Legal Paraphernalia on Clinton Highway, and the Earth Fare in Bearden.

New study proves Stacey Campfield isn’t a bad person, he just has a low IQ

Brehd Patchley — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:57:46 +0000

A new study shows that low IQ is linked to conservative beliefs and prejudice. Those with the lowest IQs tend to make poor public decisions that are harmful to those around them. This activity is being called the ‘Campfield Quotient’ and has a sliding scale that can be used to predict the likelihood of potentially harmful outbursts ranging from lynching to simple public insults of those that don’t share a lifestyle or belief system.

There’s no nice way to say it, but those who are prejudiced or racist, have an excuse…they’re simply dumb.

Gloria Ray to step down from KTSC, take on Knoxville’s Olympic bid

Bjorn Knoxley — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:52:18 +0000

Amidst the controversy surrounding her uniquely high salary and bonus structure provided by Knoxville Tourism and Sports Corporation, Gloria Ray is expected to announce her resignation in the coming days. Knoxville’s exploratory 2020/2024 Olympic Committee is rumored to have offered her a competitive salary to join their efforts. Her new role will help jump-start Knoxville’s stalled efforts to put a bid in on getting the Summer Olympics here for either 2020 or 2024, or perhaps a winter Olympics during the same time period. “We had the World’s Fair here in 1982,” explained David Duncan, Chairman of the Olympic Exploratory Committee, “so we are in a unique position to host the games. We can even convert the old Baptist Hospital into the Olympic village. The World’s Fair Park amphitheater would make a great location for the opening ceremonies, and we can convert the Sunsphere into a big torch.”

Victor Ashe: The Musical set to debut

Bjorn Knoxley — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:33:31 +0000

Sometime in early summer 2012, the Old Gringo Productions release of Victor Ashe: The Musical is set to debut at the Tennessee Theater. In development for nearly 5 years, the production tells the tale of Victor Ashe’s rise to fame and fortune as the Ambassador to Poland, set to the music of Queen. It chronicles his journey from a junior member of the Skull & Bones Society to law school, through his career as an underage State Representative, a State Senator, a Marine, and a mayor. The Ghost of Historic Preservation will be played by Madeline Rogero. Eventually, the production will move to the Victor Ashe Theater in Pigeon Forge. No other information has been forthcoming.

Romney has surprise up sleeve

Bjorn Knoxley — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 13:11:03 +0000

Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80% chance he wouldn’t survive his first term.

Stacey Campfield still welcome in some Knoxville restaurants

Bjorn Knoxley — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:30:56 +0000

Based on the news yesterday that Stacey Campfield was denied service at a restaurant most Knoxvillians thought closed for good in 1986, astute Knoxpatch.com staff began calling other local eateries to check their policies on refusing service to customers of various levels of notoriety. Bill Lockmith, manager of Ruth’s Chris Steak House, told us they only deny service to poor people. Likewise, the Downtown Grill and Brewery, Sapphire, and Nama all told us they have a policy to let anybody in who meets their dress and odor code. “We do sell raw fish here,” explained a Nama employee, “so we do let our odor code slip from time to time. But we get notorious people in here all the time, and as long as they don’t cause a problem we let them eat. Besides, business is good and we don’t need a publicity stunt.”