Here at, we take terror alerts very seriously. It has come to our attention that, not only should folks reading almanacs be considered potential terrorists, but people reading newspapers should also be considered threats. Additionally, anyone with a copy of “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut should immediately be reported to authorities. We also issue the advisory that you should steer clear of anyone eating Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts, anyone who admits owning a Spice Girls CD, anyone selling vacuum cleaners, or any Christmas Elves.