Land sharks infest Downtown Knoxville condominiums

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Folks have been moving into the Downtown Knoxville condominiums for years, falsely led to believe that it is a safe living environment. Rumors appear every now and then that various drug and hate-crime related activities occur near the condominiums, but Knoxpatch reporters have learned of a citywide cover-up of startling proportions.

Land sharks have been attacking downtown residents at will for the past few years. Out of fear of losing tourist dollars, the city has kept the truth under wraps…while quietly building a series of watchtowers atop various downtown structures so that the police can keep an eye out for the burdensome beasts.

Jennifer Holder, a long-time Downtown resident and the first person to actually see a land shark, recently came to Knoxpatch reporters with her terrifying story.

“The land sharks are very deceptive. I accidentally let one directly into my condominium, but I didn’t know what he was. He knocked at the door and said he was delivering a candygram, but when I looked through the little peephole thingie on my door I could tell that something wasn’t right. When I questioned the land shark, he became defensive and eventually convinced me that he was a harmless dolphin that had become lost. Now, just because I’m a nice person I’ll have these scars for the rest of my life. [Editor’s note: Ms. Holder claims to be horribly scarred by the beast, but Knoxpatch physicians could not identify actual damage.]

According to Ms. Holder, she is one of hundreds of residents terrorized by the land sharks but the others are simply afraid to step forward until the beast(s) are captured.

Ms. Holder has personally placed a reward of $5000 for any assistance in ridding the Downtown area of this menace. “Any large, scrapping man willing to take on an animal should come see me right away.”

We will continue to monitor this story and update Knoxville residents as possible.

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