Local woman source of news

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Most local media outlets across the country use sources such as the Associated Press (AP) or Reuters to supply reliable, reasonably accurate national and international news. For local stories, these outlets maintain teams of highly skilled investigative reporters who scout out news, interview witnesses, and deliver their findings to consumers in the form of articles or television reports.

Mechanicsville resident Mary Sue Avogadro has a different idea about where accurate news should come from. She claims they are all using the wrong sources for their information, and that by the time they are done processing and spinning it, the news they report is worthless.

Mary Sue believes she is the most accurate and trustworthy source for news anywhere, about all things, whether they be local, national, or international. Although reluctant to share her sources, she did offer a few peaks at news stories that she thinks we will never hear.

“Al Gore and Janet Reno had an affair,” she informed us. “I bet you didn’t know that. And you know that guy, Ben Stein, the boring teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? He’s a closet Libertarian.”

When asked about matters more locally related, she had some interesting news stories as well. “Just last week, two young males, ages 16, were climbing the understructure of the Gay Street bridge when they spotted a strange package floating in the river. Upon further investigation, they found it was a cooler wrapped in plastic bags containing a football, a baseball, and a hockey puck. You didn’t hear that on the news, did you?”

Over an RC Cola and a moon pie, Ms. Avogadro began to loosen her tongue a little about where her stories come from. “I get a lot of my information from the internet, the raw data, unfiltered with no spin. Some of it I witness, and other stories I overhear at my daytime job, where I work with Naturalist Bev Scarboro counting carp in the River. Other news agencies don’t know how to use the technology to their benefit, so they send out reporters to gather data from the field. That is both old fashioned and slow, not to mention expensive. I don’t need no pictures to know what’s true.”

Knoxpatch.com is in negotiations with Ms. Avogadro to be the first media outlet to carry her news stories. Any edge we can get over the competition will be welcome.

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