Mass hysteria during rubber duck race

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At 12:02 p.m. more than 45,000 rubber ducks were released into the Tennessee River, marking the return of one of Knoxville’s most successful nonprofit fundraisers.

At 12:04 p.m. it was reported that a North Knoxville cell of Al Qaeda had replaced one of the regular rubber ducks with a ‘dirty duck’ containing enough uranium to kill thousands and possibly damage the newly renovated Gay Street bridge. According to reports, the duck was designed to explode at the moment it was removed from the water.

Bomb squads worked furiously to determine which of the 45,000 ducks was the exploding decoy, but no discerning features stood out on any of the friendly looking ducks.

The region’s greatest anti-terrorist minds; including Carl Sexton, South Knox Bubba, Bjorn Knoxley, Say Uncle and Brehd Patchley have developed a response plan that is currently being enacted.

Knoxville inmates have been put to work digging a small trench that will allow the yellow menaces to be rerouted away from our beloved city. Although Mayor Haslam would not comment on where the trench will eventually lead, sources indicate that the digging could take up to four months and will lead to Halls.

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