Richard Simmons – noted exercise guru and perennial guest on The Late Show with David Letterman – has decided to call his day in the national spotlight to a close. He has further stated that Rhea County, Tennessee will be his new home in his golden years.

When asked why he chose that particular venue, Simmons stated, “Well, first off, I’ve heard that part of the country is the fattest there is, so I thought I might open a local spa to help out the fine citizens. I also hear they don’t care much for Harley-Davidson people, and I can certainly relate to that. Last, but not least, they had that monkey thing there, you know, and I just think monkeys are precious, don’t you?”

When asked his opinion of the breaking news, one Rhea County resident replied, “Who? Oh, you mean the fairy in the fancy shorts? Shore, he’s welcome to dance down Main Street fer two or three seconds!”