Snow fears close schools for month

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Due to the alarming increase in the statistical probability that snow may fall during the month of February, Knox County Schools Superintendent Bocephus Jackson has declared schools closed until March. “It has proven statistically less likely to snow in March,” he said in a statement made last night. “I just can’t endanger the chilluns any more than they are already endangered by riding the bus every day,” he added, “and studies have shown it is safer for them to already be at home when it starts snowing.” Missed school time will be made up by subtracting 15 minutes from lunch and recess each day. Students are encouraged to use the free time to study for the upcoming TCAP tests, and for extra credit in their World History classes, they may play Tomb Raider.