The SUV War comes to Knoxville

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A war is waging in Knoxville where street meets sidewalk. A large group of sidewalk and greenway users are trying to organize a movement to ban automobiles in general, but especially SUVs. The group on the street really like their automobiles, especially the SUV drivers.

Those who prefer bicycle, unicycle, or Segway to the automobile would like the automobile owners to realize the error in their ways. John Biggen, a proud SUV owner, said “These SUV-haters are a bit confused, but I believe deep down, they bought stock in Segway and are fighting tooth and nail to get that stock up.”

Knoxville area SUV drivers maintain a good humor about the whole thing, while activists such as Richard Moped like to place non-removable stickers on SUVs with slogans such as “You Damn Republican” or “I Kill Ozone.” “These guys just don’t have a clue,” said Moped. “They drive their big SUVs hauling their three kids and their friends and groceries around. Why can’t they do that with a bicycle?”

SUV owner and mother of 2 Sandra McIntyre was recently approached by Moped in the parking lot of Home Depot. “I was loading up some lumber for my husband, and this whacko came out of the bushes and put a sticker on my car. He started foaming at the mouth about SUVs harming the environment. I asked whether he thought his smoking VW microbus was any better. That seemed to catch him off guard and he didn’t notice how big my car door was until it knocked him on his ass when I climbed into my car,” she explained. “I think he’s the same guy who was outside Home Depot last year protesting lumber,” she added.

When asked about the lumber protest, Moped agreed that it probably was him, but, “Last year was a bit hazy, and after all the weed I smoked, I could have been protesting just about anything. It helps me come down,” he said.

President of the Knoxville chapter of Leave Us Alone and Mind Your Own Business (LUAMYOB) Bert Adams said, “These people mean well, I think, they just can’t understand that having an alternative view might also mean having a view other than theirs. Most SUV drivers need the extra space for both passengers and storage. Anybody who has ever taken a roadtrip in a Subaru Justy, then took the same trip in a Ford Explorer can begin to understand the appeal.”