TVA board votes to provide energy by burning the elderly

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On the heels of voting to increase the CEO’s base salary by nearly half a million dollars, the TVA board quickly noticed that recent rate increases will not completely cover the increased salary.

As a stopgap to prevent the bleeding of cash, they voted in an emergency plan that calls for burning the elderly to provide a quick and cheap energy source. Details on how this energy will be stored and transferred were not released, but statements did indicate that less than 3200 elderly people would be burned daily.

TVA President and CEO Tom Kilgore has made no comment regarding personal sacrifices that anyone will make to increase his salary from $2.7 million to $3.27 million, but has stated that he would not decline the TVA board’s decision to help him through the financial difficulty that comes with a minimal $2.7 million salary.