University of Tennessee President explains actions


Dr. Shumaker, embattled University of Tennessee President, has issued an apology for all past actions and declares that he doesn’t actually remember anything that has happened since moving to Tennessee. Lawyers for Dr. Shumaker claim that he has been suffering from a rare disorder by the name of stupidous assism which causes certain individuals to behave irrationally while hurting those that they care for the most. Dr. Shumaker does, however, claim that he can still save the University and make the most of his Presidency…but he will need the Board of Trustees to approve a vacation home in the Hamptons so that he can recuperate properly over the weekends.