Day: May 5, 2004

Chad Hitchcock, a potato and onion specialist from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, has announced that his dual specialties are causing undue stress and he must cut back to find his true focus. “My professors, family, and friends all warned me that the load would be too much…now they’re all gone, I’ve driven them…

David Keith has shaken up the Knoxville political landscape by endorsing “a Democrat” for President in 2005. The announcement was made at 2 AM at International House of Pancakes on Kingston Pike without a press conference. Calls following up on the announcement have failed to provide a great deal of information on the subject. It…

On the heels of President Bush announcing missions to both Mars and the moon, Mayor Haslam has boldly proclaimed his exploratory intentions to two mysterious local communities. “We’d prefer to set our sights on Jupiter – something that will finally generate some positive renown for Knoxville,” stated Haslam. Unfortunately, the current budget challenges have presented…

Routine groundwork at the Knoxville National Cemetery has uncovered one of the largest mass graves ever discovered in East Tennessee.

In order to compete in the increasingly competitive and narrowly focused radio market, WUOT Public Radio is making a drastic change in format. Inside sources have told Knoxpatch reporters that as of May 1, 2004 the format will change to “All Hank, All The Time.” Although the potential audience will be dramatically reduced, the loyalty…

In response to recent lifts on travel bans by the US State Department, Knoxville’s McGhee Tyson Airport (TYS) will begin offering direct flights to Tripoli and Havana. Airport spokesman Ronald Kadafy said the move is also a way to encourage travelers to utilize Knoxville airports instead of driving the 30 or so hours to Mexico…

Dr. Leslie Cunningham of the Campbell Cunningham Laser Center claims to have discovered a new way to perform LASIK surgeries that will dramatically increase hindsight. Clinical trials show that making corrective incisions on the cornea, and then inverting it, will improve hindsight by up to 80%. According to Dr. Cunningham, the results are very dramatic….