I’ve tried several times to find a way to start this article, to no avail. A story lives within my short-term memory but it doesn’t have a place on our website. For lack of better options I am placing this ‘brief review of Oak Ridge and opinion piece’ here in the features section.

Bjorn and I rarely leave the happy confines of Knoxpatch, but it does happen. On October 26, 2002, we decided to visit Oak Ridge to check out a haunted maze at the Oak Ridge Mall. We arrived at approximately 7:20PM. By 8:00PM we had been surrounded by Oak Ridge’s fine police force.

7:20PM – we arrive at Oak Ridge Mall. ‘Mall’ is a term loosely applied to this dilapidated block of concrete without vendors. As usual, the first order of business was to assist the females in finding a rest area. Our general assumption was that rest areas would be found at the food court. A food court was never found – but a series of vending machines with Skittles and Gumballs is located near the center of the building.

7:30PM – rest area is located. Thanks to the handy little Leatherman tool that Bjorn carries we were to get water out of the fountain. Several words of wisdom were written in the bathroom but I’m not feeling philosophical enough to pass them along.

7:40PM – we visit the Haunted Labyrinth. For anything ‘Haunted’ this was rather enjoyable. Nothing in the labyrinth was as dead as the rest of the mall but a couple things did make me scream like a schoolgirl.

7:50PM – Our foursome enters the parking lot to find our cars. As we walk through the parking lot we notice the Oak Ridge movie theatre and decide to see what movies are showing…hey, it’s a chance to review another theatre and the only other option was to go play with Bjorn’s new puppies.

8:00PM – While squinting across the parking lot at a glowing marquee we suddenly notice that we are surround by THREE police cruisers. Six policemen step out and approach us. It appears that the police had decided that we were having a fight. Had these fine members of the police force spent 1 second observing us, or had at least 20 minutes of training, it would have been painfully obvious that we weren’t fighting. (Many of you know me, you don’t know it, but you do. The thought of me fighting anyone or anything would cause you to insult me with laughter).

8:04PM – After managing to scare and annoy the only people in the parking lot with disposable income, the police crawl back into cruisers without considering an apology. Bjorn asks “Is it really this boring in Oak Ridge?” but nobody takes the time to answer…it’s possible that they were on call and someone tried to spend money on the other end of town.

We unanimously decided that it would be much better not to spend money in Oak Ridge. If visitors really aren’t wanted I would recommend building a large fence. As it turned out, I had a lot of fun chasing Bjorn’s puppies around the house.