TADOS has parked a rented box truck on Kingston Pike, offering newcomers a free move back home before the election. The first caller wanted to be clear that he was staying.
Category: Politics
Elected officials, the things they say, and the things they wish they had not.
TADOS reactivates for governor’s race, discovers most of its new members are from out of state
The anti-out-of-stater lobby TADOS is back for the governor’s race, pending resolution of an internal audit showing 24 of its 61 members arrived after 2019 — including the new chapter president, who moved from Sacramento to get away from people like himself.
Trump recorded singing the praises of lamb fries
In newly released recordings, Donald Trump was overheard lauding his guilty pleasure, lamb fries. In the 1994 recording, Trump was overheard discussing his obsession with Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam. Knoxpatch.com has acquired exclusive transcripts of the conversation: Haslam: “So, Donald. What do you think about these Petro’s?” Trump: “Well, they’re pretty good. I do like…
Wikileaks previews latest Clinton data dump with Knoxpatch.com
Ahead of their major announcement coming Tuesday, Wikileaks exclusively previewed several of the more interesting findings with Knoxpatch.com today. Through email, Julian Assange shared a list of the damning information with us. In 1996, Hillary Clinton failed to tip the roller skating girl who delivered food at a Sonic Restaurant. She also has never tipped…
Man Admits Plan to Commit Assisted Suicide Was Hoax
Knoxville native Maynard Britain, who announced several months ago he was planning to go through with assisted suicide in response to his terminal illness, has admitted it was a hoax. “I really do have a brain tumor,” he said in his issued statement, “that is true. I’m still going to die. But I was never…
Tennesseans Set to Vote on Amendment Encouraging Pregnant Women to Consider Abortion
As the polls opened for early voting across Tennessee yesterday, all eyes were on the ballot initiatives, especially Amendment 2. Pro-abortion groups are eagerly anticipating passage of the first-of-its kind constitutional amendment that will encourage ALL pregnant woman to consider abortion as an alternative to going through with their pregnancies. “Tennessee isn’t usually known for…
Modern Maya people respond to US Presidential elections
In response to the US Presidential elections, the remaining modern Maya people have issued a collective statement on behalf of their elders. “Told you so, pack up your shit, get in a bunker, and take your guns with you. It’s over.”
Board and lumber sales spike among democrats as election nears
The media has given a great deal of attention to the spike in gun sales during the 2012 election cycle, but according to local retailers, other items have spiked as well. Just as the Republicans have rushed to purchase guns in fear of Obama’s gun-control policies, Democrats have purchased 2 x 4’s and 4 x…
Tennessee Valley shedding water at an alarming rate
A new study indicates that the Tennessee Valley is shedding water at an alarming rate. If nothing is done to stop it, all water in the Tennessee Valley will soon enter the Tennessee River, the Ohio River, the Mississippi River, and finally the Gulf of Mexico, causing ocean levels to rise. The study, funded by…
Victor Ashe: The Musical set to debut
Sometime in early summer 2012, the Old Gringo Productions release of Victor Ashe: The Musical is set to debut at the Tennessee Theater. In development for nearly 5 years, the production tells the tale of Victor Ashe’s rise to fame and fortune as the Ambassador to Poland, set to the music of Queen. It chronicles…
Romney has surprise up sleeve
Anonymous sources have confirmed that, if chosen as the Republican nominee for President, Mitt Romney will name Hillary Clinton as his VP running mate. “The implications of this move are astounding,” explained Republican strategist Burt Elefante. In order to secure Ms. Clinton on the ticket, Romney had to promise there was at least an 80%…
Stacey Campfield still welcome in some Knoxville restaurants
Based on the news yesterday that Stacey Campfield was denied service at a restaurant most Knoxvillians thought closed for good in 1986, astute Knoxpatch.com staff began calling other local eateries to check their policies on refusing service to customers of various levels of notoriety. Bill Lockmith, manager of Ruth’s Chris Steak House, told us they…
Herman Cain excited to learn Lee Greenwood is still alive
Lee Greenwood has joined the list of celebrities jumping into politics by announcing his endorsement of Herman Cain. A spokesperson for the Cain campaign stated that, “Like other Americans, we’re excited to find out that Lee Greenwood is still alive.”
Mix-up leads Sarah Palin to Tennessee Valley Farms
After weeks of hoopla surrounding Sarah Palin’s planned visit to Tennessee, a simple mix-up led her in the wrong direction. Expected at the Tennessee Valley Fair, she showed up today at Tennessee Valley Farms. Although she was unable to meet with supporters, she still had the opportunity to have animals lick her hands, so she…
Witnesses spot Sarah Palin blowing smoke on Market Square
This is a special news alert!  Several witnesses contacted our tip hotline today to report seeing Sarah Palin on Market Square earlier this morning. She wandered through Krutch Park and admired the other sculptures. She was overheard blowing smoke about this evening’s scheduled stop at the Tennessee Valley Fair.