A battalion of soldiers from James White Fort, led by Mayor Victor Ashe, have launched a brutal attack on Fort Kid.

Details are incomplete but it appears that Mayor Ashe has been unable to accept the fact that he will soon be losing control of Knoxville. Ashe’s most devoted long-time supporters have come together to create a force described as ‘small but wiry’ by witnesses. Although Fort Kid fell to Ashe’s forces rather quickly, it is important to note that it was defended by mostly children.

The only public statement from Mayor Ashe was delivered to Knoxpatch.com today by General Mickey Foley. “My work is not yet finished. I still have several TDOT signs to take down, and I would like to be on the cover of the newspaper a few more times.”

Our Democratic way of government may not be in ruins as of yet. Rumors abound that Bill Haslam has formed an opposition stronghold at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Church.