CBS admits it cannot prove authenticity of Dan Rather

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CBS News has announced that it cannot prove the authenticity of Dan Rather and that allowing him to spend years at the newsdesk was a “mistake” that CBS regretted.

CBS News claimed a source had misled the network on Rather’s origins, stating that they had been told he was a reputable newscaster.

In a statement, CBS said former FBI Agent Fox Mulder “has acknowledged that he provided the now-disputed information” and admits that he “…deliberately misled CBS in order to more closely study Dan Rather after finding him alone and naked walking near the infamous crash site at Area 51 in Nevada. At first I thought he may be an alien, but after witnessing his actions and urge to spread propaganda I now realize he is nothing more than a Democrat.”

“Based on what we now know, CBS News must remove Mr. Rather from the airwaves, which is the only acceptable way to regain our integrity.” said the statement by CBS News representative Dino Cartwright. “Nothing is more important to us than our credibility and keeping faith with the millions of people who count on us for six different versions of CSI,” Perot continued. “We will continue to work tirelessly to be worthy of that trust, and will even add more CSI if it appears to be necessary.”

In a separate statement, Rather said that “I love John Kerry. I don’t know how to explain it, he just makes me feel tingly and happy in a very special way.”

“I am sorry,” Rather added. “But not doing all I can to get John Kerry elected makes me feel like hell.”

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