Delivery service set to debut in Knoxville


The Condombulance will begin making deliveries to needy couples here in the Greater Knoxville area later next month. Set up as a public service, and a great way to make some extra cash, the Condombulance will help couples stay in the mood. No longer will one of them have to hop in the car and drive down to the drugstore, find the condom aisle, make a selection, get over being embarrassed, pay for them, and drive home only to find their partner watching Law and Order, therefore no longer in the mood.

The Condombulance almost ready for service.

Frank Dingle, owner of the service, got the idea after reading an article on Yahoo News. “Sweden, you see, is always light-years ahead of us, as far as sexual stuff goes. That’s why we like SWEDISH toys, you see. So when I read about that service over there, I thought we could surely do that here and keep right up with them. So I repainted my old truck and got a business license. As soon as the brakes get rebuilt and I find a motor, we should be ready for business.”

Dingle’s van is now white with stripes with flashing lights, very much like an ambulance, with one exception: it says “Condombulance.” It is even written backwards across the front, so motorists can read it in their rear-view mirrors and get out of the way.

The service will deliver a pack of condoms to the needy couple’s house within a half hour of receiving the phone call for $10 a visit. The van also stocks various toys, outfits, edible underpants, and wine. A selection of movies is also available, on both DVD and VHS.

“Traffic, you see,” explained Dingle, “is always a big concern. Fortunately most amorous rendezvous only happen at night, you see. But we expect to get the occasional nooner or office tryst we’ll have to deal with. That will help keep our delivery times down, you see. And who knows? We may just have to add another van or two to the fleet and go on shifts.”

Area health officials are elated as well. “We hope this will encourage our residents to use condoms even when they aren’t readily available,” said one anonymous Health Department upper management type. “Imagine, no running out to the store to face embarrassment. Instead, a big white Condombulance with bright flashing lights will pull conveniently into your driveway, meeting you inconspicuously at your front door,” he continued.

Several kids we talked to at the mall shrugged and walked off. Other people we mentioned it to ignored us and kept staring at their computer monitors. We think, though, that this could be a big success.