Doctor proves suicide prevents cancer

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Dr. Jerry Dean, Oak Ridge TN, has recently published journals indicating important findings regarding the impact of suicide on the body’s likelihood of developing cancer.

Dr. Dean’s test subjects were subjected to high doses of cigarette smoke, saccharin, and the UPN Network over a period of six months. After the six month timeframe, they each were tested for cancer and then all subjects clean of cancer were split into two groups. Group #1 was sent home. Group #2 was allowed to commit suicide using any method they preferred.

Fifteen years later Group #1 returned to the hospital for a follow-up visit and cancer screening. Group #2 was exhumed and screened for cancer. Initial findings from the study point to an 83% drop in cancer rates among those that commit suicide.

Dr. Dean has requested that the general public await further studies before committing suicide. It’s possible that unseen flaws exist within the study and further funding is required to move towards even greater breakthroughs.