Do you like to walk for blocks to find anything green? Do you think the sky should only be visible when you look straight up? Would you rather an empowered city worker clean your sidewalk rather than you mow your own yard? Then downtown Knoxville is just the place for you. With plenty of concrete, old buildings, and trendy people, you cannot get more politically correct than moving into a quaint loft renovated by someone hoping that the revitalization of downtown will line their pockets with exponentially increased property values!
Nothing says “communal” like endless city blocks crammed with concrete boxes, some that are even old and therefore architecturally more magnificent than a Wal-Mart. The feeling of living in an ant-farm will escape you as you revel in the delights of a rooftop party. Your friends, the upstairs, downstairs, next-door, and across-the-hall neighbors, will help you grow as a person when you are exposed to them in close-quarters, especially when they stomp across your ceiling or play their world music so you can hear it through the thin walls of your lush lofty flat.
Traffic is not a problem, as you are morally opposed to the automobile. You will feel ecstasy as you join internet groups and pat your fellow communal pals on the back about your progressive views. Parking is irrelevant because you can put your Segway on the freight elevator and park it in your closet. You have no need to journey beyond the confines of your little town; because an SUV driver might kill you, and besides, you can order everything you need off eBay.
Stroll the streets of downtown Knoxville, but don’t blink because you might miss an architectural masterpiece or a beautiful concrete pad designed for mass assemblies before you wind up at one end or the other. You could throw a rock and hit the art district, but don’t, because those Victorian houses sure are fragile. Folks in the suburbs have to fight traffic and find a parking space to enjoy these delights, but not you.
Pray for rain, if you believe in that sort of thing. It will wash the dirt and grime away leaving you with a pristine, paved surface. But not too much rain because the sewers might back up and cause the rats to emerge and sleep on your doorstep.
Feeling charitable? You can be made to feel better about yourself by donating to any one of many homeless folk who roam the streets like lost souls. Besides, if you don’t, they may rob, shoot, or assault you. Or better yet, set up a soup kitchen in the alley behind your loft complex.
Work downtown? Why fight the hustle and bustle when you can just walk 6 blocks to your fabulous newly renovated flat? Most people we know love to live where they work. It builds a much better communal spirit.
Plasma Donation Center
Don’t have money for rent again? Donate plasma! You can raise almost $300 a month selling your body!
Keep the ignorant suburbanites out, or at least amuse yourself for hours watching them drive around in circles while trying to park their SUVs, by making parking scarce and then charging richly for it. Have the city police tow in vehicles from the Sheriff’s lot to tie up meter spots. Then puzzle for hours on end over drinks at the pub wondering why downtown does not flourish.
The City-County Building
Why drive and look for parking when you can take a cab or just walk on over to pay for your public intoxication citation?
Why get bogged down attending games and rooting for teams other than UT’s? Get those other stadiums out of downtown and move them to the suburbs.
Market Square “Mall”
A perfectly flat piece of new concrete, completely void of any grass. Admire a couple of random oaks as they poke up through their designated rain-runoff square. Enjoy shopping at one of the three or four boutiques. Enjoy food at the restaurant. Complain when port-a-potties are left out overnight.
Free Gym Membership
Not really, but who needs a gym when you get to walk up 5 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken? Or when you get to walk everywhere you go, or sometimes run when it’s raining?
It’s always available for your event, and it’s nearby. So during the evil auto shows, you can jeer at the crowds from the comfort of your window or complain when the conventioneers head to the suburbs for real food, drink, and good times.
Enjoy life in a loft, built in one of many downtown buildings that were once condemned, but which we promise have been put back in code and up to standards by developers that were not looking for tax breaks or quick profits by escalating rents and property values.
Wear a special badge, only provided to residents of downtown Knoxville, that will keep you from getting mugged, raped, or killed while walking late at night through our warehouse district. Only naÃ¯ve suburbanites will be victimized here, on their way back to their SUVs.
Activities for the Whole Family
- If you bothered to have kids, or they don’t already hate you, take them to the various water squirt/fountain things set up around town, except not in the winter because they might get sick.
- Feed the carp.
- Feed the river rats.
- Le Irish Pub: While there, you may feed your mind with insightful banter from fellow progressives while you feed your stomach with fine ale, stout, or un-sweet tea.
- Brew Pub: We don’t remember the name because it’s changed more often than our disposable razors. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy their fine home-brewed brew.
- The Trash Bin: Why pay when you can just run down a back-alley and eat from a trash bin? But beware: Tuesdays are trash day and they’ll be empty for a few days after.
To keep from confusing people and to work around structural problems, all of downtown’s nightclubs have been relocated to a single complex. Depending on which night and what time you go, expect to be entertained by a different experience, whether it’s live music or the DJ’s personal repetitive-beat-generating software, you will have a great time guaranteed. Be sure to carry your special downtown badge so you don’t get raped, murdered, or robbed on your way home!
There are many historic buildings in downtown Knoxville, although we aren’t sure why they’re historic. We heard a rumor that Hank Williams might have died in one of them, or at least shortly after visiting one. But regardless, they are OLD, and most of them are condemned, but not for long due to our Building Inspector Buyout program. Many will soon be lofts!
Do you enjoy going out to the movies? Unless downtown activists can successfully block it again, there may one day be a movie theater built for your enjoyment. If so, we hope you like art movies! But don’t expect a parking garage nearby, especially not a well-lit one. Shucks, you can’t have everything.
Soon to be constructed
Soon to be renovated
- An old building.
- Another old building.
- An old and condemned building.
In summary, if you are looking for a place to live in extreme close proximity to other progressives like yourself in a communal experience like none other than Stalingrad itself, pack your bags (but not too many because there isn’t much space—but don’t worry, you don’t like your space anyway) and come on down to downtown Knoxville! Directions: head east on I-40 until the bottleneck. Exit right and hurry to the special downtown badge dispensary by the river. Parking not provided.