The LCSD, which has been on a nightmare roller coaster ride for the last 14 months – beginning with the murder of Deputy Jason Scott – is scheduled to close its doors next week.

Sheriff Tim Guider, who seemed exasperated, was quoted as saying, “I’ve had officers shot, officers shoot themselves, officers arrested, officers indicted. We’ve got more deputies on trial right now than citizens. I’m out of available personnel.”

When asked if he could hire some qualified candidates from somewhere else, Sheriff Guider rolled his eyes, brushed his moustache, and replied, “If I could get Don Knotts to come out of retirement and wear the uniform again, I’d keep going. But nobody wants to be a deputy here anymore. We’re a joke.”

When pressed further about the legality of his actions, Sheriff Guider admitted he couldn’t really shut down the LCSD, but, if he resigns, that effectively accomplishes the same task.

“When the County Commission holds a new election for Sheriff, maybe we can jump start this operation again. Heck, I might sign on as a deputy, but I ain’t Sheriffin’ no more!”