Record cold kills six


Record cold temperatures in East Tennessee have been wreaking havoc all across the region. From frozen water pipes to thick ice on windshields to puppies refusing to pee, the effects have been devastating. According to Martha Stalwart, a local elderly woman living on Nubbin Ridge Road and her meager pension checks, the cold has claimed the lives of at least six of her favorite hostas. Hostas, like any other robust east Asian clump-forming perennial herbs, do not care for temperatures like we have been seeing here lately and tend to die if frozen. Plant rights groups assert that the simple placement of a pillow case over most plants will help them survive the cold. According to Stalwart, all her pillowcases were in the wash at the time.

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