Regal Entertainment Group announces plan to increase revenue

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Coming off a disappointing third-quarter earnings report, Regal Entertainment Group enlisted the help of Morgan Stanley & Co. to review strategic options to increase revenue for the chain.

What might have appeared to be a daunting task, turned out to be rather simple when viewed by an outside consulting group with no true knowledge of the industry. “The decline year to year was only $119 million, give or take a few dollars. With the number of suckers visiting the concession stand, we simply need to budget backwards from popcorn sales. By raising the minimum required popcorn purchase per visitor to $6.18, we are able to raise earnings to a very acceptable profit margin,” explained a Morgan Stanley & Co. representative.

Regal Entertainment Group spokespersons were unavailable for comment, as they were all busy making popcorn.