Southern to be taught in schools

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According to researchers, Southern is neither a dialect, nor is it slang. It is a new language altogether. The Language Books Publishing Company, whose language books have not been selling well lately, conducted a study which began in February 2003. The study focused on whether children in Southern schools were getting the proper education from regular textbooks, which were typically written in proper, oppressive English.

A report, to be published in next month’s LBPC company newsletter, states that Southern children were found to be 10 times more likely to learn when spoken to in Redonics.

“Some people think that Redonics is just a dialect, but it is so much more,” explained lead researcher Bob Ott. “It has evolved over the years, become infused with rap lyrics and various contractions, until it is an entirely new language. Coincidentally, our new Southern textbook will be on sale for the start of the school year.”

Already three elementary schools in the area have ordered sets of the new textbooks, which target 2nd and 4th graders. The schools are sending teachers to a new sensitivity training course so they will be aware of the special needs Southern children have. The Tennessee Department of Education is already working overtime to have a new version of the TCAP, written entirely in Redonics and presenting situations familiar to Southern children, ready for the spring.

Brushy Valley Elementary School principal Buck Jones said, “Ya jes’ gotta teach them kids with that there Redonics else they ain’t gonna larn nuthin ‘tall. Goin’ on ’bout that dang ol’ ainglish class an’ such. Golly, you jes can’t expect them to larn a goldarn thang like that. Wooo-weee boy! If’n they gonna do somethin’ else b’sides huntin’ whippoorwill, they gotta larn to talk right.”

The school board is monitoring the trial schools closely to see how well the children improve their test scores and on other indicators. It is believed that when the children are taught in their native tongue, like the other language-impaired students, their educational experience will be richer and more meaningful, and perhaps even lead to enrollment in a community college.

“If we can’t communicate with the children,” said Ott, “how are they going to get into college? How are they even going to understand directions to the college? This may be the only way to reach our Southern youth.”