Study: Suburbanites scared of urban life

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A suburban SUV driver
reels in fear when faced
with an urban environment

A recent study conducted by Shady Research Institute (SRI) has concluded that suburban flight is caused by fear. Harry Joule, The researcher responsible for the project, explained that the people who live in suburbia are scared of many things, including vast expanses of concrete, a feeling of claustrophobia caused by not being able to see the sky (or further than across the street), and a fear of

A suburban businessman
reacts when his boss sends
him downtown to work

no privacy. “Suburban dwellers avoid urban assimilation by believing such things as the suburbs have better schools, less crime, more room, more aesthetic value, and better retail. However, they are really covering up their deep, deep fear of facing something different than what they are used to. Urban environments offer a chance to be force-fed a lot of ideology that would normally cause you to call the cops on someone in a suburban environment,” explained Joule. Full results of the study will be published in local weekly alternative papers around the nation.