Towelie-ban put into effect, Knoxville alert level raised to brown

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In response to fears of a terrorist attack involving characters from the popular South Park cartoon, a Towelie-ban has been initiated throughout the City of Knoxville effective immediately.

According to reputable tips from anonymous sources that identified themselves only as Matt and Trey, a specific threat exists against the Downtown Knoxville trolley system and the unused City County Building parking garage. Further details are unavailable as they may hinder the ongoing investigation into the threat.

All towels, South Park related materials, and items even faintly resembling Mr. Hanky are not to be shown in public. If you happen to see any suspicious activities it is recommended that you run directly home and hide in your bathroom closet.

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