University of Tennessee takes advice of two football players – solves budget crisis

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The University of Tennessee, facing slightly more than 50 million dollars in budget cuts for the 2003 fiscal year has bridged the funding gap with a groundbreaking move that could change the face of higher education in the United States.

Two members of the University of Tennessee football team (the Volunteers) came forward on June 11th, just weeks before the potentially cataclysmic funding cuts were enacted. The students maintain that they were not working together, nor did they know that one another was stepping forward with what Coach Fulmer says can only be described as ‘out-of-the-box’ thinking.

“It just came to me one day when I was taking a…well you know” says Mr. Holden Mylegs. “Why should the non-athletes be able to do what I’m doing now without paying a little something to UT.” This is where the idea for University pay toilets first originated.

According to University of Tennessee President John Shumaker,“We don’t want to overcharge the students, so we will only charge $1 the first year – then we may increase the charge next year to allow for faculty bonuses. With 1500 non-athlete students on campus each semester, each going potty 4 times per day, we estimate generating $1,800,000 within one year with this new initiative.”

$1,800,000 is a start, but the other $48,200 has to come from somewhere. That’s where the real hero comes in. A new freshman football player, returning to school after a relatively successful career, found the mythical ‘golden goose.’

Mr. Mike Tyson, UT’s newest tight end points out“I’m not like you, I earned my own money and pay my own way – at school and with the womens. If my school needs money, I can show them where it is.”

Beginning with the fall 2002 semester, all classes will be viewed only via Pay-Per-View. Each class will cost $65/hour and cannot be recorded without express written permission from UT administration. It is estimated that each semester will bring approximately $28,350,000 in new revenue.

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