Month: November 2002

Knoxville Vol fan Junior Scruggins was arrested by KPD officers at his home late Sunday. After an image of Scruggins was posted on the internet depicting him “exhibiting lewd behavior” at last Saturday’s game, the KPD launched an exhaustive manhunt that lasted 3 hours. No Scruggins family member was available for comment, but according to…

Ben Sanders has been playing the lottery for about 10 years now, making regular trips to Georgia, Florida, Kentucky, and elsewhere to buy tickets. He usually brings back tickets for friends, neighbors, and co-workers. He spends about $3000 a year going for the jackpot. “I always drove an old beat up pickup truck and lived…

Upon the organization of the Rationalists of East Tennessee, the city of Knoxville considered the intellectual capacity of the local populace to be maximized. According to sources, the city just could not possibly get any more intelligent. This past Friday, a new group has organized in Knoxville that consists of members even smarter than the…

A recent survey regarding print media in Knoxville has revealed that the National Enquirer is now the 2nd most trusted print news medium. The survey was designed to gauge how opinions regarding news have changed since 9/11/2001. Created by a national polling agency, the new study was the most extensive of its type to ever…

In a strange turn of events, it’s possible that Knoxville will be forced to change its name. A resident of our fine city has recently made a name for himself by registering the names of properties and potential businesses that are under development. Surprisingly he has discovered that Knoxville does not own the rights to…

Billboards are up, preachers are preaching, television spots are running, ads of some form are popping up all over. The good residents of Tennessee will soon be given the opportunity to vote for, or against, a state lottery. I haven’t yet figured out why this is a matter of debate. For some reason, certain folks…

This block of text is basically a piece without a beginning, middle, or end. A block of text without a story to share or any cynical observations to pass along. I simply want a public forum to point out that if Wal-Mart continues to place huge speed humps throughout parking lots they should be forced…

KP: The first question that everyone wants an answer to is simple. Why? Why are you running for Mayor of Knoxville and why have you decided to relocate to our town? SG: Although Knoxville has been under fine leadership for several years I truly think I can improve upon this fine city. Let’s face it,…

As announced here at Knoxpatch.com in recent weeks, Space Ghost has entered Knoxville’s 2003 mayoral race. Since the initial announcement Space Ghost has been relatively quiet but has scheduled his first public campaign speech which will take place at an October meeting of Rotary Knoxville. Rumors have spread regarding the near hermit status maintained by…

If proven correct, Kimberly Sterchi of Karns may set the scientific world in a tailspin. In a simple experiment that can easily be recreated using common household appliances, powdered gelatin, two AAA batteries, and a sizeable chunk of cat hair Kimberly claims to have proven that the Periodic Table of Elements has been printed incorrectly…

Several appearances of a strange creature in the Tennessee River at Volunteer Landing have been reported in recent weeks, leading many locals to think that the Loch-Ness Monster has migrated to Knoxville. Although the trip from Scotland would be very difficult for a prehistoric creature, it isn’t completely impossible according to scholars with NIDS (National…

After many months of tirelessly wading through post after post in Knoxville’s thinktank newsgroup K2K, Bjorn Knoxley has finally stopped reading it entirely. He posted for a brief period of time and discovered the group is about as open minded as a rationalist at a Baptist convention. Then he tried to remain interested and read…

Brother Brehd has expressed his opinion on the Tennessee state lottery, so now it is time for Bjorn to opine. There are two types of people who gamble: stupid people, and lucky stupid people. Having pitched a few quarters into machines around Vegas and Chicago, I left with less money and less dignity. I felt…

A TDOT spokesperson today announced that they have reconsidered traffic flow patterns and have decided to rebuild the Forest Heights bridge. The bridge was removed to allow for the widening of I-40, and due to the complaints of residents of the Forest Heights neighborhood, TDOT did not plan to rebuild it. Spokesperson Tommy Murdoch told…

Knoxville, TN: October 3, 2002 Martha Stewart resigns from the New York Stock Exchange, board officials said. October 4, 2002 A group of shareholders has filed a complaint against Goody’s over the proposed sale of the company. Martha Stewart’s resignation from the New York Stock Exchange left a gaping hole in the decorating diva’s daily…