Day: August 4, 2005

Mark Sentell recently had an epiphany. “I was sitting on the toilet, you know, after eating several bowls of my wife’s chili, and suddenly I realized that the universe is freaking huge, man,” he exclaimed, “it’s totally funny how you do your best thinking on the toilet. Or the lawnmower.” Experts agree that the universe…

The City of Knoxville has adopted the recommendation of a small local marketing and public relations firm to re-brand the image of homeless individuals. Effective immediately, the homeless are to be referred to as ‘free-range citizens.’ “This new name will put a positive spin on the entire plight,” stated one representative, “everyone knows that free-range…

The East Turtle Baptist Church holds pancake breakfasts each month to raise money for its building fund, mission trips, or other expenditures. Recently, conspiracy theorist Emo Higdon was breakfasting in their dining hall when he became suspicious. “I snuck back there and peeked through the door, and you know what I saw? They were back…

A recent study has shown that butterscotch is not Knoxville’s favorite candy. It ranked 17th, just under Maple Nut Goodies and Boston Baked Beans, which were tied for 16th.

Twine viewed at 250,000Xmagnification. The Knoxville Museum of Art has announced that they will have the world’s second smallest piece of twine on display through the remainder of 2005. The twine, housed in a square glass case that is .025 centimeters in diameter, is currently located in the women’s downstairs restroom until a more suitable…