An unidentified male has purchased tickets to see Sex and the City, according to employees at the Regal Cinemas on Gay Street, in Downtown Knoxville. Although his intentions for using the tickets were unclear, the purchase definitely took place. Amanda, the ticket-booth girl, says he walked up sometime around 2 p.m. wearing a trench coat…
Month: May 2008
Karelian delegates stuck in SmartFIX40 detours, unable to return home
A delegation the Republic of Karelia visited Tennessee today to learn about SmartFIX40, which is now famous across the globe. Translators worked with the Karelians to help explain the symbolic relationship between Malfunction Junction and SmartFIX40. Then, City officials drove the Karelian delegation to the heart of the SmartFIX40 project and left them to find…
Letter to (and from) the editor
Dear Knoxville, I keep getting spam emails from the ADAM SMALL STRATEGIC BUSINESS NETWORK, promoting the Knoxville Business Xchange. Today, I got 13 copies. Every time they fire up the spam canons to fill my inbox with crap, I follow the procedures to stop receiving their junk…yet it just continues to pour in. If you…
Mystery of rocket encountered by pilot solved
A Continental airlines pilot who was startled by what he described as a “rocket” yesterday gets to rest easy. Speculation flew as to what happened. Some reports say it was a missile launched by terrorists. A more “down to earth” theory involved model rocketry, as some model rockets are known to reach that height. This…
Hillary Clinton vows to campaign through 2010
Just last week, Hillary Clinton sited the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy as a reason to stay in the race. Over the weekend, during a lull in campaigning activities, Hillary had an opportunity to see “I Am Legend” with Will Smith and realized that the death of her opponent isn’t the only thing she can…
Personal water craft nor Dragon kill Oak Ridge resident
An Oak Ridge resident managed to ride a personal water craft and drive his motorcycle across the Dragon (TWICE) over the Memorial Day weekend without accident. Others involved in the recreational activities have been inspected and are in good condition as well, with no signs of needing to be rushed to the hospital?
Tennessee environmental officials find good use for mercury-laden fish
The Environment and Conservation Department, teaming with sweatshops in China, have found a suitable use for the mercury-laden fish swimming in Tennessee rivers. Through a unique partnership, Chinese manufacturers are to begin sending cheaply made thermometers adapted for the insertion of a small fish in place of the standard compound typically used. The new thermometers…
Mayor Ragsdale endorses Hillary Clinton
After hearing that Mrs. Clinton claims to be ahead in the national popular vote, Mayor Ragsdale today announced his endorsement of her as President. Encouraging others to step up and help, he quickly made a $1000 campaign contribution using his P-card.
Lamar gives up on digital billboards, invests in alternative options
Frustrated with delays and resistance towards new digital billboards, Lamar Advertising Company has issued a press release outlining plans to wrap advertising around the more than 450,000 orange construction barrels throughout Tennessee. Negotiations are also underway to wrap telephone poles as feminine hygiene products.
Relief supplies sent to China returned due to lead content
In recent days, tons of relief supplies have been sent to China after a 7.9 magnitude earthquake killed tens of thousands. Two aircraft were returned to the United States this weekend with supplies still on-board due to the fact that the supplies did not fit Chinese quality-control standards. The water and high-calorie meals appear to…
Word on the Street
“Why can’t the damn county employees keep track of their credit card purchases? I mean, how the hell hard is it?” -Mike “Staunch” Staunton, construction worker “I don’t like this Obama guy. And not for the reasons you think. I don’t like McCain either. I think they both suck. I want to vote for ‘Other’…
Butter once again voted Knoxville’s favorite food
In other news, butter was just named Knoxville’s favorite food for the 33rd year in a row. Butter originally had competition from lard, but health conscious Knoxvillians promoted butter as a better alternative, and lard has since dropped to Number 14 on the list of favorites. The Top 5 also includes macaroni, pizza, salt, and…
Hillcrest-West adjusts rates for care
Officials have reported that care at Hillcrest-West will now, officially, cost you an arm or a leg.
Sterns fights back against Dolly
Last week, Howard Stern’s satellite radio show manipulated recordings from one of Dolly Parton’s audio books into racist and sexually graphic sound bites. Following this program, Parton released a statement that included “…I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make…
Fuel prices got you down?
Record high fuel prices have many Knoxvillians on the run–either because they robbed a gas station or because they thought running would be a better alternative commute. For many others, it is a painful time, one where choosing between fuel and unlimited text messaging has become a way of life. Our Knoxpatch staff feels your…