Chad Hitchcock, a potato and onion specialist from the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, has announced that his dual specialties are causing undue stress and he must cut back to find his true focus.
“My professors, family, and friends all warned me that the load would be too much…now they’re all gone, I’ve driven them away.” stated Mr. Hitchcock in a recent interview. “Once I had the title of potato specialist I simply got greedy for power, and couldn’t rest until I had equal classification for onions. And I used to love onions, they were my hobby, and now I develop a nervous twitch each time I see one. From now on, I will discuss nothing but the potato.”
The University of Tennessee, suffering several losses and negative PR issues since early 2000, has offered no statements as to whether a new onion specialist would be added to the staff. Temporarily, this educational gap has been filled by an intern that exhibitis various signs of being friendly and exudes a scent slightly similar to that of an onion.