The Knox County Health Department has canceled plans for smallpox vaccinations due to the high number of needle insertions required. According to directions provided by the CDC, 15 insertions are required with a two-prong needle allowing for a total of 30 insertions. After an extensive training session it has been discovered that employees of the…
Day: January 23, 2003
Newcomer believes Knoxville isn’t round
Facing the scorn of the local community, recent newcomer to Knoxville, Stephen Kushner has proposed that Knoxville is nearly flat instead of round as traditionally accepted. Throughout written history it has been generally accepted that Knoxville is round and that the rest of Tennessee rapidly revolves around Knoxville. Soon after moving into his new downtown…
Preservationist goes insane putting leaves back in trees
Ernie Roberts, a Fort Sanders resident, has been admitted to Lakeshore Mental Hospital after a particularly harrowing weekend trying to restore the trees in his front yard. In a heroic effort to restore the foliage to its original summer appearance he devoted the extended holiday break to painting the leaves green and returning them to…
Weigel’s geneticists discover chemicals granting immunity to ‘Icee Freeze Headache’
Geneticists working for the Weigel’s Farm Stores chain have announced that a substance has been discovered that will grant immunity to the ‘Icee Freeze Headache.’ Weigel’s has long held the belief that Icee headaches are the stumbling block preventing complete dominance in the convenience store market. By delivering the harmless substance into the bloodstream through…