Month: January 2004

Stu Reynolds is displeased. He recently joined Bally’s Total Fitness center with hopes of bettering his life. Or in general terms, to pick up women. “The ads are very misleading.” explains Stu. “The commercials show women on all sorts of exercise equipment. They smile and look towards the television screen. They simply look friendly and…

Tradebank has been a full-service barter exchange program since its inception in 1987. Businesses and professional individuals have long benefitted from participation in the Tradebank network through the opportunity to barter for their needs, allowing them to retain cash they would otherwise expend. A wide range of products and services are promoted on behalf various…

Local artists Brehd Patchley and Bjorn Knoxley will be headlining a show at the Knoxville Gallery of Art later next month. The show will feature many fine works created by these talented native Knoxvillian artists. Beautiful art transpires from the melee that ensues when Brehd’s digital photography meets Bjorn’s watercolor filter. Hailed to be the…

To make the point that the United States is not afraid of terrorist activity, the United States Government has launched a terror attack on itself. In order to maximize the effectiveness of the attack the Terror Alert was lowered to green (“low”) immediately prior to the activity. Soon after, a stealth bomber entered New York…

An unusual occurrence on the construction site of Ashe Park has caused a delay in work, and has thousands believing that a Christmas miracle has been witnessed in Knoxville, Tennessee. One of the construction workers on the site was the recipient of this supposed ‘miracle’ that is making headlines throughout Bible Belt. Scott Isabel, backhoe…

Ben Jacobs has been acting a bit odd lately, his friends are starting to worry. According to Ben, it all started when he visited his plastic surgeon for a nose job. The surgery, however, did not go as promised. It appears that his surgeon (name withheld for legal reasons) has found it cheaper to steal…

Gen. Wesley Clark, presidential candidate and really swell guy, stopped tonight in Knoxville to discuss health care. During the first few minutes of his speech he pointed out how much he does not care that Al Gore did not endorse him because he has Hillary and Spielberg. He went on to tell the crowd that…

Here at Knoxpatch.com, we take terror alerts very seriously. It has come to our attention that, not only should folks reading almanacs be considered potential terrorists, but people reading newspapers should also be considered threats. Additionally, anyone with a copy of “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut should immediately be reported to authorities. We also issue…

The debut of the giant halftime fruitcake at NeylandStadium brought cheers from the crowd. According to event organizers, football fans are getting more and more difficult to please during halftime shows. John Hinkle, show organizer for the University of Tennessee, knows first hand what it’s like. “First we tried the guy in the dog costume…