Month: December 2004

Without warning, it appears that all inner-city school students in Knoxville collectively adopted the Metric System and abandoned all other forms of measurement. Used in nearly every country in the world the Metric System was devised by French scientists in the late 18th century to replace the chaotic collection of units then in use. The…

It recently came to my attention that I have a tendency to drive out of my way to get a gigantic frozen Mountain Dew (aka Mountain Dew slushie). Over several discussions lately with Daisy-Mae, we realized we only knew of a couple places that actually sell the things. So, with your help and as a…

Appalachian Spa prototype Appalachian corn farmer and venture capitalist, John Clark, is opening a chain of Appalachian Spas throughout Knoxville and the surrounding counties. The closure of several Asian spa locations, due to recent legal indiscretions, left a market niche temporarily unfilled. Local folks, as well as visitors funneling through the Knoxville airport, have been…

Although his last film, ‘Alexander,’ was met with distaste by critics and moviegoers alike, Oliver Stone has announced plans to move forward with yet another epic film. According to Stone, his next film will not be plagued with the historical inaccuracies that were evident in ‘Alexander.’ “We are going to use nothing but factual information…

The manager of a local Wal-Mart (specific location withheld) states that on Friday, May 7th, a skinny person was caught on video surveillance while shopping within the store. Government experts are currently studying the tape in an attempt to identify exactly what can be seen. The world continues to look upon this story with hope,…

The Oak Ridge chapter of AICE (American Institute of Chemical Engineers) has announced the development of a permanent underarm deodorant for both men and women. Although initial reaction was upbeat, bringing hope of revitalization to the beleaguered Oak Ridge area, Procter & Gamble has issued an analysis of the new product pointing out that its…

Knoxville’s alternative newspaper, the Metro Pulse, has announced that the last edition as we know it will be printed in October, 2004. In order to better focus on what they do best, the printing press is to be converted to produce toilet paper. Information is not readily available as to the impact this may have…

CBS News has announced that it cannot prove the authenticity of Dan Rather and that allowing him to spend years at the newsdesk was a “mistake” that CBS regretted. CBS News claimed a source had misled the network on Rather’s origins, stating that they had been told he was a reputable newscaster. In a statement,…

At 12:02 p.m. more than 45,000 rubber ducks were released into the Tennessee River, marking the return of one of Knoxville’s most successful nonprofit fundraisers. At 12:04 p.m. it was reported that a North Knoxville cell of Al Qaeda had replaced one of the regular rubber ducks with a ‘dirty duck’ containing enough uranium to…

Victor Ashe will continue his political career in a small Colorado town by the name of Florissant. Carl Sexton, unhappy with all the candidates available, decided to cause a stir with a write-in vote. Carl, during early voting, voted for his donkey and was so pleased with himself that he created campaign posters promoting Victor…

In an attempt to boost ratings now that the makeover craze is showing signs of slowing, Bravo TV has announced that the five stars of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will soon face their toughest challenge to date. They will attempt to makeover the entire city of Clinton, Tennessee. Well known for its complete…

Regal Entertainment Group is the largest motion picture exhibitor in the world, operating more than 6100 screens in 39 states, with corporate offices located in Knoxville, Tennessee. Although Regal faced several financial difficulties in the late 1990’s and early 2000 they have seen continued growth over the past few years. Current growth strategies even include…

KFAR was shutdown in September, 2004 by the FCC because they were operating illegally. Not only were they operating illegally, they had never made an effort to operate within the guidelines of the law. According to concerned liberals across the region, however, this didn’t stop KFAR from providing an important voice that should not be…

Note: Please contact us and let me know of any places I should try to eat at downtown. The Market Square area is where I tend to be most of the time. I got the news late last week. On Monday, I was to report for duty to work on a large project for a…

The Condombulance will begin making deliveries to needy couples here in the Greater Knoxville area later next month. Set up as a public service, and a great way to make some extra cash, the Condombulance will help couples stay in the mood. No longer will one of them have to hop in the car and…