What seemed like a good idea, wearing orange to support our iconic women’s basketball coach, took an unexpected turn Friday. As it turns out, the event was too popular and too well-received. When Pat stepped out to be embraced by her loyal fans, she was stricken with temporary blindness due to the overwhelming sea of…
Month: August 2011
UT Athletic Department News
The assistant secretary to the associate soccer coach tripped over a power cord on her way to the water cooler yesterday afternoon, just as a volcano erupted in Yellowstone and blew the country in half. Witnesses report she stumbled slightly but was able to correct herself, and proceeded to refill her cup with fresh, cool…
Disappointed ‘Mater Mixer’ ticket holders offered chance to attend ‘Beet Blender’
Although the Market Square ‘Mater Mixer’ was cancelled due to alcohol tax violations, Downtown residents need not worry about the lack of ways to get a buzz while using local produce. A replacement event, the ‘Beet Blender’ is to be offered at the Farmers’ Market on August 27. Event organizers noted that the alcohol taxes…
Sevierville PD using a new kind of officer
Due to massive budget cuts, the Sevierville Police Department has layed off more than half their staff. Due to the lack of officers, the Sevierville PD has adopted a new program to keep an eye out on those residents under house arrest. They are using bears. “People are so scared of them, that they stay…
Incivility escalating in workplace
“At first, people were just being mean,” said an unnamed source at local pet care giant, Pet Safe, “Then it really got out of control. People were growling at each other at meetings. I even got bitten by a co-worker just because I brushed him while passing in the hall, a complete accident by the…
Tennessee announces new standardized testing, sponsored by Brawndo – The Thirst Mutilator
Tennessee students should fare much better in the future, in regards to standardized testing. With the recent release of national ACT results, Tennessee school officials are dumping the ACT’s. The ACT’s will soon be replaced with the A’s. Testing officials say this alone should help, “…because learning all three letters in the test name was…
TLC cancels Kate + 8, replaces it with Hillbilly Toe Fishing
TLC has cancelled the once popular Kate + 8 this season due to lack of viewers. TLC is replacing the show with Hillbilly Toe Fishing. Hillbilly Toe Fishing, similar to the already popular Hillbilly Hand Fishing, is a show based out of Knoxville, TN, where the host shows tourists how to ‘noodle’, fish for catfish…
As U.S. cities adapt to climate change, residents selected for North Knoxville dome city
Cities across the United States are making plans for adapting to climate change. At the forefront of plans, the City of Knoxville has announced plans for a dome that will cover Historic Old North Knoxville. The placement of the dome was selected due to the historic nature of the structures in the region. The biggest…
University of Tennessee researchers launch study to find out “WTF is wrong with nearly 40% of population?”
The latest Gallup tracking poll has shown President Obama’s ratings to be just under 40% approval. These numbers, although depressing to the President, has some researchers asking, “Just WTF is wrong with 40% of the population?” One group of researchers at UT is taking up this question, and hopes to find out just what folks…
Michelle Obama applauds McDonalds for changes in kid’s menu
Obama congratulates the national chain on adding apples to it’s kid’s meals. This is a positive step towards solving childhood obesity. The next step, according to Obama, is to ban restaurants that don’t follow McDonald’s lead. “Clearly, the only thing that can solve obesity is regulation,” states Obama. “By closing restaurants that allow parents to…
Green Acres Flea Market learns from Turkey Creek Public Market
Green Acres Flea Market has announced that they will no longer be described as a ‘Flea Market.’ “Our vendors have struggled over the last few months,” says the owner. “Then, along comes the Turkey Creek Public Market, and people flock to it. It’s crap in a barn, just like we have. Therefore, we’re changing our…
Palin announces visit to Tennessee Valley Fair, replaces Boyz II Men
With a better-than-expected reception at the Iowa State Fair, Sarah Palin has announced plans to visit fairs across the United States as the summer winds down. Palin denied speculation that the state fair tour was a precursor to a Presidential campaign, “That’s ridiculous,” Palin said. “I just like it when all the farm animals lick…
Dooley moves remaining Vols pre-season practices to Xbox
According to a statement prepared by the University of Tennessee Athletics Department, “Dooley feels the team isn’t ready for too much exercise, and it’s really been hot outside. The video game should greatly improve the player’s hand-eye coordination, as well as help them learn simple plays. Also, have you seen the graphics on the new…
Oak Ridge to add Senior driving lanes
The City of Oak Ridge has announced plans for Senior driving lanes, in an attempt to move traffic more briskly through town. “The problem is that the senior drivers tend to drive 10-15 miles per hour under the set speed limit,” states an unnamed City official. “This prevents visitors from driving quickly enough to get…
Flea Fancy magazine ranks Knoxville most flea friendly city in Southeast
Flea Fancy magazine ranks Knoxville most flea friendly city in Southeast. According to a release, the magazine, cites the fact that Knoxville is so darn dog friendly. The city has a multitude of activities and organizations that are tailored to providing fleas with a buffet of choices. Specifically, the magazine cites the fact that Knoxville…