UT Athletic Department News


The assistant secretary to the associate soccer coach tripped over a power cord on her way to the water cooler yesterday afternoon, just as a volcano erupted in Yellowstone and blew the country in half. Witnesses report she stumbled slightly but was able to correct herself, and proceeded to refill her cup with fresh, cool water.

While a nuclear reactor was melting down in France, UT Golf Team Caddy Rolf George shortchanged his server at Cancun Mexican Restaurant on Peters Road. “I hate it when people shortchange me like that, it comes out of my pay,” explained server Jorge Rodrigo. NCAA Officials are expected to announce sanctions against George later this evening, although outside of Tiger Woods’ caddy, there is not much precedent for caddy misbehavior.

UT Chess Team Pawn Polisher Darnell Jones was busted last week for buzz driving, although it turns out he was not actually driving nor had he been drinking. At the same time, a tornado wiped out half of Kansas, a hurricane leveled Miami, and an asteroid was discovered to be on a crash course with Earth, due in late 2012. Chess Coach Bud “Deep Blue” Masters is expected to send out a Press Release later today apologizing for the alleged buzz driving incident and explaining that Darnell Jones was not representative of the quality chess piece polishers on the team.