Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Victor Ashe will continue his political career in a small Colorado town by the name of Florissant. Carl Sexton, unhappy with all the candidates available, decided to cause a stir with a write-in vote. Carl, during early voting, voted for his donkey and was so pleased with himself that he created campaign posters promoting Victor…

CBS News has announced that it cannot prove the authenticity of Dan Rather and that allowing him to spend years at the newsdesk was a “mistake” that CBS regretted. CBS News claimed a source had misled the network on Rather’s origins, stating that they had been told he was a reputable newscaster. In a statement,…

Knoxville’s alternative newspaper, the Metro Pulse, has announced that the last edition as we know it will be printed in October, 2004. In order to better focus on what they do best, the printing press is to be converted to produce toilet paper. Information is not readily available as to the impact this may have…

KFAR was shutdown in September, 2004 by the FCC because they were operating illegally. Not only were they operating illegally, they had never made an effort to operate within the guidelines of the law. According to concerned liberals across the region, however, this didn’t stop KFAR from providing an important voice that should not be…

Regal Entertainment Group is the largest motion picture exhibitor in the world, operating more than 6100 screens in 39 states, with corporate offices located in Knoxville, Tennessee. Although Regal faced several financial difficulties in the late 1990’s and early 2000 they have seen continued growth over the past few years. Current growth strategies even include…

Much to the dismay of room mothers, Knox County Schools has adopted a ban on classroom cupcakes. The ban, set to take effect before fall birthdays and Christmas, will apply to treats brought in for any event that could be considered religious or exclusive in nature. Knox County Schools spokesperson Arnold J. Glimmer said that…

The Condombulance will begin making deliveries to needy couples here in the Greater Knoxville area later next month. Set up as a public service, and a great way to make some extra cash, the Condombulance will help couples stay in the mood. No longer will one of them have to hop in the car and…

Note: Please contact us and let me know of any places I should try to eat at downtown. The Market Square area is where I tend to be most of the time. I got the news late last week. On Monday, I was to report for duty to work on a large project for a…

Since AirTran (formerly ValuJet) pulled out of the Knoxville market in 2000, area residents and businesses have been driving to either Nashville or Atlanta in order to afford air travel. Local businesses and politicians have teamed up in an effort to lure a low-cost airline to Knoxville. Although seemingly fruitless at times, the efforts have…

A recent study by the Earl and Bubba Institute found that out of all Knoxvilles in the nation, the one in Tennessee ranks third best overall. Here are the rankings of all nine Knoxvilles: Knoxville, Iowa Knoxville, Georgia Knoxville, Tennessee Knoxville, Arkansas Knoxville, Alabama Knoxville, Maryland Knoxville, Pennsylvania Knoxville, Illinois New Knoxville, Ohio Earl Renfro,…

Do you like to walk for blocks to find anything green? Do you think the sky should only be visible when you look straight up? Would you rather an empowered city worker clean your sidewalk rather than you mow your own yard? Then downtown Knoxville is just the place for you. With plenty of concrete,…

After realizing what a pain in the ass it is becoming to do any road projects in modern society, and also that hindsight is 20/20, TDOT announced plans to widen I-40 through downtown enough to allow for any future expansion. A spokesmodel said TDOT is taking this measure so they will not have to deal…

The new series “Autumn in the City” began yesterday in downtown Knoxville on Market Square. The event set a record of highest attendance at any Market Square event by port-a-potties. “This is amazing,” said event attendee Josh Hoobar, “I’ve never seen so many port-a-johns at one place!” The event was attended by no less than…

Knoxville geologists are in a frazzle because earthquakes have been increasing in frequency around a recently discovered volcano. The earthquakes, which occur most often on Saturday afternoons, range anywhere in magnitude from 0.01 to 0.63. The volcano is located along the river across from the University of Tennessee Agriculture campus, and at least for now,…

A crack team of Knoxpatch.com investigative reporters have uncovered what appears to be the largest betting pool in Knox County, larger even than March Madness. It seems that county road crews engage in an underground gambling racket based on potholes. Juan Johnson, a pseudonoymous former road crew worker who acted as our primary informant, actually…