Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Gearheads in the Knoxville area are turning their attention away from NASCAR, the Indy 500, and even drag racing, and devoting their talents and ambitions to the motorsport taking the area by storm: lawnmower racing. Racing lawnmowers has been a recognized sport for some time, but until recently, it had not caught on in the…

Knoxville has a much larger network of organized protesters than many people may think. This was evidenced during President Bush’s recent visit to Knoxville to promote volunteerism, when he was interrupted by two organized protesters shouting “free hot lunches!” Since that time, the underground network of protesters has grown considerably, and they line up to…

Clinton resident Earl Anderson has filed a lawsuit against the Keebler Elves alleging racist product naming. The lawsuit, filed last week, claims that the Keebler Elves knowingly packaged and sold a product that disparaged white people. His legal team is trying to get the case upgraded to a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all disparaged…

A battalion of soldiers from James White Fort, led by Mayor Victor Ashe, have launched a brutal attack on Fort Kid. Details are incomplete but it appears that Mayor Ashe has been unable to accept the fact that he will soon be losing control of Knoxville. Ashe’s most devoted long-time supporters have come together to…

North Knoxville has admitted to a nuclear weapons program after independent inspectors from the Friends United for a Cohesive Knoxville discovered suspicious waste materials in a sinkhole located on a farm off Sevierville Pike in South Knox County. Evidence indicates that a salvage company that dumped debris from the Coster Shop into a South Knoxville…

In a U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) report made public last week, a Martian is said to have landed in the Fort Sanders neighborhood sometime last fall. However, not many people noticed because he fit in completely with the other residents. He apparently rented a room in a house on Laurel Avenue and was…

Topsy poses with the flipflop. During the massive January snows of 2003, the heroic act of a Knoxville beagle, Topsy, almost went unnoticed. Topsy’s owner, Ms. Carol Weidmeister, was walking to her mailbox to get the paper. At one point, she took a step higher and with more force than usual, sending her flipflop sailing…

Fuel prices are rising. In response to the rising threat of war in the middle east, gas station owner Tom Ridgedale has raised prices at his South Knoxville station. The price increase affects all grades of fuel, including premium, and he canceled his four cent discount on Thursdays. The governor’s office has yet to release…

Two separate incidents on the same day nearly came to disaster at the construction site of the new bridge being built over the Tennessee River in Loudon County. According to police reports, at approximately 10:00 Thursday morning February 20th, an ETHRA van arrived on the east side of the site with six senior citizens inside….

Due to state budget shortfalls, the Tennessee Department of Transportation, like many other state entities, will be forced to cope with budget cuts for 2003 and beyond. TDOT officials have announced several new cost-cutting initiatives that will begin with the summer of 2003. These initiatives, briefly outlined below, are expected to provide a savings of…

South Knoxville reporters have announced that nothing newsworthy has taken place recently in South Knoxville. Several stories were prepared, but upon comparison to issues reported in North and West Knoxville it was decided that they are simply not newsworthy.

In the wake of disturbing news from NATO, Butterball and Jennie-O have stepped forward where France, Germany, and Belgium would not. Although typically thought of only as competitors, both companies have pledged to work together and “….fight to the death if necessary” to defend turkey. Representatives from both firms expressed deep concern and bewilderment as…

The Pacifist unveils hisnew persona. On the heels of the increasing popularity of Superheroes in movies, Knoxville has scheduled the first ever tryouts for hero/heroine of Knoxville. The decision will be based upon super powers, name recognition, charm, and marketability. The chosen individual is expected to bring several benefits to Knoxville. The Downtown area should…

A recent Knoxpatch.com visitor asked us for some advice on where to meet women. It hadn’t occurred to me that folks may wish to use this site as research before visiting our lovely town, I had always thought of the entire site as an inside joke. But, for the sake of this gentleman that visits…

The Knoxville Police Department is crediting the popularity of The Sopranos for the fact that mob related deaths are on the decline in Knoxville for a third consecutive year. Recent studies conducted by the KPD show that the general public is 40% more aware of signs of mob activity compared to a similar study conducted…