Knowing that idiots need a chance to mingle, an anti-Mensa meeting has been scheduled tonight at 6pm in Krutch Park. So that fellow idiots can find one-another, they are encouraged to identify themselves with Occupy Knoxville or Occupy Together signs.
Author: Brehd Patchley
Intercontinental Railroad construction starts in Halls, TN
A new shovel-ready project, Halls Astronomical Intercontinental Railroad, kicks off today in Tennessee. The project will bring the world’s largest railway system into place, offering one-way service from Halls, TN to Tanzania. A timeframe for project completion has not been announced, but at least four “good-sized” men with shovels are working as fast as they…
Tim Burchett bans those with past DUI’s from visiting AutoZone or NAPA
After receiving media attention and successfully having one sex offender arrested for attempting to read, Tim Burchett has now created a new set of rules to bar those with past transgressions from public places. According to the Mayor’s office, “Those with DUI’s are not to visit AutoZone or NAPA. Both of these locations stock cup-holders…
Mix-up leads Sarah Palin to Tennessee Valley Farms
After weeks of hoopla surrounding Sarah Palin’s planned visit to Tennessee, a simple mix-up led her in the wrong direction. Expected at the Tennessee Valley Fair, she showed up today at Tennessee Valley Farms. Although she was unable to meet with supporters, she still had the opportunity to have animals lick her hands, so she…
With record numbers on food stamps, Obama announces a plan
“I’ve tried food stamps, and I understand all the complaints about the number of Americans receiving them, they taste awful,” states President Obama. “That’s why we’re moving the country’s best scientists to a secure location to work on a way to make food stamps taste better…and hopefully not stick to the roof of your mouth.”
Palin promises big announcement at Tennessee Valley Fair, bringing Color Me Badd
As announced earlier, Sarah Palin plans to take the stage at the Tennessee Valley Fair on September 16. Her visit has been met with a bit of controversy because it forces the cancellation of a planned concert by Boyz II Men. Today, we received notice that a big announcement can be expected that night, and…
Sign of the times, local Merry Maids rebrands as UnMerry Maids
Owners say it’s just a sign of the times, a way to fit the needs of a modern world. The Knoxville franchise of Merry Maids is undergoing a rebranding to a more suitable ‘UnMerry Maids’ philosophy. “It’s pretty simple. In today’s economy, those that can afford help, don’t want to talk to the help,” explains…
Knoxville women’s group enters 20th century, ponders the 21st
It’s making news that the Knoxville Entrepreneurial Women’s Group is allowing men to attend a special event. Gaining this special attention has led some of the women to realize that segregation may not be all that it’s cracked up to be. According to one of the organization representatives, “We’re going to even consider letting the…
Nominations now open – East Tennessee’s Least Relevant
Nominations are now open for something that truly matters. We want to determine what, in Knoxville, truly is irrelevant. East Tennessee’s Best…someone else has that under control. Now’s your chance to be heard, make your nominations today for East Tennessee’s Least Relevant for 2011. Nominations will close on September 16, with an official run-off of…
‘Wear Orange to Support Pat Summitt’ event causes temporary blindness
What seemed like a good idea, wearing orange to support our iconic women’s basketball coach, took an unexpected turn Friday. As it turns out, the event was too popular and too well-received. When Pat stepped out to be embraced by her loyal fans, she was stricken with temporary blindness due to the overwhelming sea of…
Disappointed ‘Mater Mixer’ ticket holders offered chance to attend ‘Beet Blender’
Although the Market Square ‘Mater Mixer’ was cancelled due to alcohol tax violations, Downtown residents need not worry about the lack of ways to get a buzz while using local produce. A replacement event, the ‘Beet Blender’ is to be offered at the Farmers’ Market on August 27. Event organizers noted that the alcohol taxes…
Tennessee announces new standardized testing, sponsored by Brawndo – The Thirst Mutilator
Tennessee students should fare much better in the future, in regards to standardized testing. With the recent release of national ACT results, Tennessee school officials are dumping the ACT’s. The ACT’s will soon be replaced with the A’s. Testing officials say this alone should help, “…because learning all three letters in the test name was…
As U.S. cities adapt to climate change, residents selected for North Knoxville dome city
Cities across the United States are making plans for adapting to climate change. At the forefront of plans, the City of Knoxville has announced plans for a dome that will cover Historic Old North Knoxville. The placement of the dome was selected due to the historic nature of the structures in the region. The biggest…
University of Tennessee researchers launch study to find out “WTF is wrong with nearly 40% of population?”
The latest Gallup tracking poll has shown President Obama’s ratings to be just under 40% approval. These numbers, although depressing to the President, has some researchers asking, “Just WTF is wrong with 40% of the population?” One group of researchers at UT is taking up this question, and hopes to find out just what folks…
Green Acres Flea Market learns from Turkey Creek Public Market
Green Acres Flea Market has announced that they will no longer be described as a ‘Flea Market.’ “Our vendors have struggled over the last few months,” says the owner. “Then, along comes the Turkey Creek Public Market, and people flock to it. It’s crap in a barn, just like we have. Therefore, we’re changing our…