Another Target is being built in the region, but thanks to the forward-thinking officials in Oak Ridge, they’ve managed to dodge that bullet yet again. According to Tom Beehan, Mayor of Oak Ridge, “If Oak Ridgers wanted a Target, they’d clearly live in Knoxville or Minnesota. Plus we don’t want to compete with our thriving…
Author: Brehd Patchley
‘Luckiest Man Alive’ walks through Krutch Park without being solicited
Although unconfirmed, rumors have spread that a visiting businessman walked all the way through Krutch Park today without anyone begging him for money or to use his mobile phone. The unnamed gentleman, simply referred to by onlookers as ‘the luckiest man alive,’ reportedly passed through the park around noon today, and just kept going.
Wannabe counselors disappointed by Camp Cougar curriculum
After hearing a news story about Camp Cougar, a program at Northview Middle School in Kodak, a group of Knoxville women quickly enrolled as volunteer counselors. “We should’ve paid more attention to the news story,” explains Samantha Joy. “But it was hard to hear all the details in the bar.” Apparently, Samantha and a few of…
Survey shows what Knoxvillians truly care the least about
A recent survey conducted by well-meaning citizens, hoping to provide a small amount of guidance to media outlets, has provided some insight into items the general public simply doesn’t care about. Among the items least interesting to Knoxvillians: Anything on the Heartland Series The status of Ellen Turner’s home (they’re glad it’s renovated, but apparently…
Art displays through Knoxville exposed as laziness by Waste Connections of Tennessee
Many of you may have noticed various pieces of metal on the streets of downtown Knoxville over the past months. Many residents, starved for big-city living have embraced these items as ‘art,’ even drawing attention to them. Waste Connections of Tennessee has admitted today that these are nothing more than piles of garbage that the…
Pellissippi State replaces popular balloon festival with CowChip Bingo
Pellissippi State Community College has announced that they’re canceling the annual balloon festival. According to President Allen Edwards, it was simply too successful, leading to traffic jams and large masses of people. “In order to cut back on the popularity of the event, we’re replacing it with CowChip Bingo,” says Edwards. “We’re hoping that a…
Bonnaroo 2012 in danger as moonbats learn about MP3’s and CDs
As the 80,000+ Bonnaroo attendees wandered about in the heat and stench of one-another, awaiting music, one of the bands made an announcement that has already caused quite a ruckus. “This is off our last CD,” stated the lead member of Vermicular Doggie. And the mud pit went silent, as knowledge crept through the crowd. Within…
Knoxville City Council members may have sent lewd photos, nobody cares
In the shadow of negative attention drawn to Rep. Anthony Weiner due to sharing suggestive photos with several individuals, it appears that several Knoxville City Council members may have sent similar messages. After polling those in contact with City Council members, however, we have learned that nobody would have looked at the images anyway, making…
Previous Mayoral and Senatorial candidate considers dropping life of sending electronic newsletters to become UT Athletics Director
In yet another surprise career move, a previous local Mayoral…then Senatorial candidate…then electronic newsletter guru, has decided to shift career directions yet again, announcing that she’d like to serve as the University of Tennessee Athletics Director. “I moved from the Mayoral to the Senatorial race because of my goal of focusing on education,” she said….
Previous Mayoral candidate considers dropping Senate run to focus on sending electronic newsletters
Unsure of what she really wants to do, sources say that a recent Mayoral candidate that has been making a run for an open Senate seat may have found her calling in life. According to those close to her, sending electronic newsletters has become her passion. “She likes that you can send them every day,…
Obama team courts Mike Tyson as new spokesperson
After a healthcare activist bit off the finger of a counter-demonstrator, it didn’t take Obama’s advisors long to realize they were onto something big. “Clearly, those that would be in favor of the healthcare reform as currently outlined would have a unique perspective and thought process. In order to best reach these people, we need…
UT makes major change in graduation process
Following the announcement regarding changes to the athletics tickets program, UT has announced a major change in the academic process and how graduations will be processed. Under the new system, students and family members will need to give money to a new fund overseen by the athletic department in order to receive a diploma. UT…
One brave man steps forward and remembers Michael Jackson as the freak he was
“I don’t understand it,” says Marcus Williamson. “Just two weeks ago, if you asked anyone about Michael Jackson they’d tell you he was crazy. At best, they’d giggle and recall the joke about the similarities in Jacko and K-Mart…boy’s pants, half off.” “Now, he’s a freaking saint. Sure, he made a couple good songs. But…
New program designed to train young girls to enjoy WIC and Food Stamps
A new program, “College-Bound Sisters,” has been unveiled in North Carolina to pay young girls not to get pregnant. The payment, $1/day. The program was developed at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro by Hazel Brown, a maternity nurse who thought too many teens were having babies. Brown said she hopes the program, which…
AOL leaves Time Warner, proposes merger with Remedy Coffee
On the heels of announcing a spin off from Time Warner, AOL has released spotty details regarding a proposed merger with Remedy Coffee, located in Downtown Knoxville. The deal, seen similar to the agreement AT&T has with Starbucks, would provide online access for AOL users while visiting the new (and, as an editiorial note…simply fantastic)…