Clean Up History campaign set to begin

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Inspired by recent controversy over the Confederate flag being displayed in public, a grassroots campaign to clean up history is about to get under way in East Tennessee. Ima Khunt, who came up with the idea, explains, “You see, I’m sick and tired of having symbols of past history shoved in my face. You know, symbols that, even though historically accurate, are not politically correct by today’s standards. I don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable just because something happened a hundred years ago.”

The campaign will include a focus on the following areas:

  • Removing any war memorials celebrating victories.
  • Closing any parks that mark the location of any unpleasant event, unless that unpleasant event was directed at Americans.
  • Replacing any references to important victories by American forces with thoughtful essays on how we would be better off without war.
  • Updating the First Amendment with an “Except when it’s something I disagree with” clause.
  • Downplay the Nazi regime to make them seem more Republican-like.
  • Explain how inventions, such as the light bulb or assembly lines, were created by the meetings of minds of a UN sanctioned committee comprised of representatives from all nations and labor unions.
  • Explain how the internal combustion engine was created by Republican operatives who were advised by Karl Rove’s great great grandfather, a pioneer in the oil industry.
  • Achievement becomes defined by your level of mediocrity.

“I believe this will be a step in a positive direction,” Khunt explained. “Not only will we be able to get rid of such foul reminders of our past as the Confederate flag, but we’ll also get rid of any historical references to them, so that future generations will be more inclined to reach a utopian ideal without being weighed down by the past.”

The campaign has attracted three volunteers from the Rainbow Coalition and six from the Green Party. Howard Dean is set to make a speech at the campaign’s kick-off meeting, time and location to be announced.