Haslam Outlines Missions to Halls, Clinton


On the heels of President Bush announcing missions to both Mars and the moon, Mayor Haslam has boldly proclaimed his exploratory intentions to two mysterious local communities.

“We’d prefer to set our sights on Jupiter – something that will finally generate some positive renown for Knoxville,” stated Haslam. Unfortunately, the current budget challenges have presented quite a hurdle, according to an inside source. “But at least I want to actually go to another planet, not just project a picture of one on the ceiling like my predecessor,” noted Haslam, in a reference to the failed Universe Knoxville project.

The small-budget expedition to Halls will attempt to capture the elusive “It”, which has been rumored to be in the area for years. Once claimed for Knoxville, “It” will be placed in a glass box in Market Square in an attempt to increase tourism to the newly-renovated area. “It will be like a cross between David Blaine and the Loch Ness Monster,” said Haslam.

However, the mission to Clinton will be more involved. A special rover, codenamed Ned Beatty, is being designed and built by an unnamed Knoxville firm that will explore the area. “This is a beautiful marriage of the public and private sector. We’re providing jobs within the city limits to support this effort,” crowed the Mayor. A rover is being used because of perceived danger in this largely-uncharted area. From a telescope atop First Tennessee Plaza, small bursts of light can be seen regularly in the night sky over the region. Speculation is that these occurrences are actually exploding meth labs, but confirmation is sought by using the rover while it also collects samples of living creatures in a special trap-like feature. “Wouldn’t it be great if we discovered intelligent life in Clinton?” enthused Haslam.