President Bush, on Monday, supposedly signed an energy bill recently passed by Congress after a four-year battle. However, Knoxpatch has learned that Bush secretly replaced the document at the last minute and signed his own energy bill into law. Sources say that little of the original $14.5 billion legislation of the original document is included…

In order to save limited resources, the embattled Knoxville College has announced plans to move into the old Harold’s Deli location in Downtown Knoxville. College representatives stated that the new location would provide more than enough space for the number of students that the college has, plus give them access to a cash register and…

Even though shoppers and pharmacists alike have yet to get used to the inconvenience of having to obtain cold remedies from behind the counter, recent legislation will require other, potentially dangerous products to be stored and distributed from the pharmacy department as well. There has been a recent trend where people, whose family tree tends…

Mark Sentell recently had an epiphany. “I was sitting on the toilet, you know, after eating several bowls of my wife’s chili, and suddenly I realized that the universe is freaking huge, man,” he exclaimed, “it’s totally funny how you do your best thinking on the toilet. Or the lawnmower.” Experts agree that the universe…

The City of Knoxville has adopted the recommendation of a small local marketing and public relations firm to re-brand the image of homeless individuals. Effective immediately, the homeless are to be referred to as ‘free-range citizens.’ “This new name will put a positive spin on the entire plight,” stated one representative, “everyone knows that free-range…

The East Turtle Baptist Church holds pancake breakfasts each month to raise money for its building fund, mission trips, or other expenditures. Recently, conspiracy theorist Emo Higdon was breakfasting in their dining hall when he became suspicious. “I snuck back there and peeked through the door, and you know what I saw? They were back…

A recent study has shown that butterscotch is not Knoxville’s favorite candy. It ranked 17th, just under Maple Nut Goodies and Boston Baked Beans, which were tied for 16th.

Twine viewed at 250,000Xmagnification. The Knoxville Museum of Art has announced that they will have the world’s second smallest piece of twine on display through the remainder of 2005. The twine, housed in a square glass case that is .025 centimeters in diameter, is currently located in the women’s downstairs restroom until a more suitable…

Lance Armstrong’s recent record-breaking seventh Tours de France win is having an unexpected impact amongst cyclist and other endurance athletes. Many sports enthusiasts and pundits have pointed out that Armstrong’s phenomenal success has been impacted by his experience with cancer. This simple statement, implying that his ability to focus his energies and strive towards his…

Late last night, drivers on Clinton Highway and Edgemore Road in Claxton reported seeing a UFO hovering over a trailer park abducting residents. The residents appeared to be waiting in line, and many of them held signs asking to become part of “The 4400,” a reference to a popular television show about alien abductees returning…

Graduates of Leadership Knoxville often experience dissatisfaction and discontentment in the years following the highly praised program. These feelings are due, mainly, to the fact that they are often Leaders without Followers. Members from the class of 2005 claim that the problem is worse this year than it has been at any time in the…

While visiting Cancun’s off Cedar Bluff yesterday, Norm Sanders was delighted to find his usual giant bowl of chips complete with a separate salsa bowl for each person at his table. Elated by the opportunity to engage in double-dipping, he proceeded to empty the first basket of chips before his Speedy Gonzales arrived. Looking forward…

Millie Washburn recently visited the Wendy’s on Clinton Highway, only to be let down when she did not receive a finger in her chili. “I thought this was part of a new product campaign,” said Millie, “but they simply wouldn’t provide a finger in my meal.” To console Millie, the manager did eventually stir the…

After a prolonged legal battle, an independent Knoxville film studio has acquired rights to film a sequel to Ishtar. Although the script was completed in 1989, filming has been on hold because a 12% ownership stake in the title was held by one of the lead camels in the film. A suitable profit-sharing plan for…