School board seeks probe of macaroni contract


The school board voted unanimously to call in the Sheriff and several SWAT teams to investigate what insiders call the most blatant misuse of a food contract in years.

The first SWAT team, codenamed Gregory, is to break down the doors of the Acme School Lunch Delectables Corporation at dawn tomorrow. Their primary objective is to recover any documentation related to their macaroni contract with Knox County Schools. Secondarily, they are to scare the crap out of Acme’s CEO, Bob Jones.

The second SWAT team, also codenamed Gregory (but with the accent on the second syllable), will back up the first team with expensive crime-fighting equipment recently purchased by the Sheriff’s Department.

The two brands of macaroni supplied to
Knox County Schools.

Several years ago, Acme obtained a sole-source contract with Knox County Schools to provide macaroni for the county’s school lunch program. At that time, the contract specified that Acme was only to supply SavSum Brand Macaroni and Cheese Dinner to the school systems.

About two years ago, without any notice, Acme began supplying the school system with the more expensive Turtle Macaroonies Brand Macaroni and Cheese Dinner.

“Not only was SavSum affordable, but it was also high quality macaroni, especially for a generic brand,” explains an anonymous source familiar with the contract. “One day last month we got a call from an upset principal who claimed a student had become hysterical after she became convinced the turtle-shaped pasta were real turtles. Of course, we wanted to know what turtle-shaped pasta. Further investigation revealed the switch.”

Acme was charging the school systems $0.19 extra per box, which, according to sources, adds up to quite a bit. The school board found that an employee, who has recently been sacked, was responsible for allowing the switch to take place, and did not notify anyone about it.

“He claimed that Macaroonies just tasted better, but we think he is in on a sweet cash deal with Acme,” another anonymous source told us. “We’ll get to the bottom of this, one way or another!”

According to a poll recently conducted by the Knoxpatch Institute, a conservative thinktank, 9 out of 10 school children preferred Macaroonies to SavSum. The other kid did not like macaroni at all.

Representatives for Acme or Acme’s CEO did not immediately return phone calls.