Tennessee makes changes to state primaries


Officials close to the State Coordinator of Elections report that they are “sick and tired” of having to deal with the attention Iowa and New Hampshire receive in the world’s media around election time. Additionally, they found it annoying that the candidates’ attention to the South always appears to be an afterthought.

To retaliate, Tennessee will be moving their primaries up to November before election year. “Tennesseeans will finally have a chance to meet the candidates. The South will no longer be an afterthought, and candidates will have to ‘get religion’ much earlier on in the campaigning process,” said one anonymous official. “If a Democrat can win here, he can win anywhere. Just ask Al Gore,” added the official.

The change should take effect in time for the 2008 primaries, or in this case, the 2007 primaries. Election and local officials are already excited about the potential for pankcake breakfasts across the state. “I do love pancakes,” admitted Knoxville fire fighter Ernie “Jonz” Jones.

Other planned activities include turkey shoots to promote gun awareness by allowing the candidates to actually hold and fire one. There will be Andy Griffith Show Viewing Nights at churches across the state to demonstrate how you can go to church and not have to feel guilty about anything. Various picnics will attempt to explain that barbecue is a noun, not a verb. And each candidate will have to eat grits.

“We’re excited about this opportunity to get national exposure,” said the election official. “We’re not at all like that ‘Simple Life’ show down here. And we want to prove it by being first to the primaries!”