Day: September 18, 2002

Late yesterday afternoon, a boatload of Cubans rowed ashore at Volunteer Landing. The Coast Guard was befuddled trying to determine how the Cubans were able to miss Florida and row up the Mississippi, make a right onto the Ohio, and another right onto the Tennessee, then traverse the state several times while going through the…

Most local media outlets across the country use sources such as the Associated Press (AP) or Reuters to supply reliable, reasonably accurate national and international news. For local stories, these outlets maintain teams of highly skilled investigative reporters who scout out news, interview witnesses, and deliver their findings to consumers in the form of articles…

Next month, a statue of John Denver will be unveiled at McGhee Tyson Airport. Denver was the ever-popular singer of such tunes as “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” and “Calypso.” The statue, made of some sort of metal, will stand at the head of the fountain in the airport terminal entryway, just before the…

Mary Sue Avogadro, self-titled ‘most trusted source for news in the United States’, has unleashed a startling story. Luckily, thanks to her insightful newsgathering, we are able to bring you the news before it happens – allowing you ample time to prepare. According to Mary Sue, Knoxville will be hit by a catastrophic potato famine…

Late last night, Clinton Highway Wal-Mart Parking Lot Rent-a-Cop Allen Harvey reported finding “parking lot circles” near the Taco Bell corner of the Wal-Mart parking area. The circles are perfectly symmetrical and lined in such a way that he suspects aliens were involved. “These circles were just too perfect to have been put there by…

Joseph Black made a startling discovery recently behind Knoxville Municipal Golf Course in North Knoxville when test driving a new Land Rover. Black stated “Before buying a vehicle this expensive, you want to make sure it can really go off-road. I thought driving across the rolling fairways and hazards would be the ideal test. I…

According to scientists at Knoxville’s Center for Viral Anomalies, the West Nile Virus may have mutated into what has become known as the East Nile Virus. The virus, said to be more mischievous than its western counterpart, is spreading at a much slower rate, and has only been linked to the death of one chickadee…

The internationally acclaimed Relics of the Australian Outback tour will be making a stop at the Knoxville Museum of Art. Although technically not “art,” the collection of relics will be on display at the art museum for the next three months. Amber Perkins, KMA spokesperson, explained that the museum is open to cultural attractions of…

The Knoxville Police Department filed a report late last night detailing an incident involving a man and a handsaw on Market Street. Timothy J. Muskrat was apprehended while fleeing the scene by officers Joe Jameson and Fred Nederlander. The report stated that Muskrat was attempting to cut down six sawtooth oaks on the south end…