South Knoxville reporters have announced that nothing newsworthy has taken place recently in South Knoxville. Several stories were prepared, but upon comparison to issues reported in North and West Knoxville it was decided that they are simply not newsworthy.
Month: March 2003
Odd (C0)incidents at new Loudon bridge keep police officers busy
Two separate incidents on the same day nearly came to disaster at the construction site of the new bridge being built over the Tennessee River in Loudon County. According to police reports, at approximately 10:00 Thursday morning February 20th, an ETHRA van arrived on the east side of the site with six senior citizens inside….
Tennessee Department of Transportation faces budget shortfall
Due to state budget shortfalls, the Tennessee Department of Transportation, like many other state entities, will be forced to cope with budget cuts for 2003 and beyond. TDOT officials have announced several new cost-cutting initiatives that will begin with the summer of 2003. These initiatives, briefly outlined below, are expected to provide a savings of…
Butterball and Jennie-O pledge to defend turkey
In the wake of disturbing news from NATO, Butterball and Jennie-O have stepped forward where France, Germany, and Belgium would not. Although typically thought of only as competitors, both companies have pledged to work together and “….fight to the death if necessary” to defend turkey. Representatives from both firms expressed deep concern and bewilderment as…
Mob related deaths on the decrease in Knoxville
The Knoxville Police Department is crediting the popularity of The Sopranos for the fact that mob related deaths are on the decline in Knoxville for a third consecutive year. Recent studies conducted by the KPD show that the general public is 40% more aware of signs of mob activity compared to a similar study conducted…
Where to meet women in Knoxville?
A recent Knoxpatch.com visitor asked us for some advice on where to meet women. It hadn’t occurred to me that folks may wish to use this site as research before visiting our lovely town, I had always thought of the entire site as an inside joke. But, for the sake of this gentleman that visits…
Knoxville holds Superhero/heroine auditions
The Pacifist unveils hisnew persona. On the heels of the increasing popularity of Superheroes in movies, Knoxville has scheduled the first ever tryouts for hero/heroine of Knoxville. The decision will be based upon super powers, name recognition, charm, and marketability. The chosen individual is expected to bring several benefits to Knoxville. The Downtown area should…
Woman merges into traffic at exit #388, James White Parkway
The Tennessee Highway Patrol recently reported that Stacy Taylor has successfully merged her 1983 Toyota Celica into moderate traffic. Although the weather was perfect and traffic flow was lighter than usual; this is clearly considered a major female evolutionary breakthrough. Young Stacy’s life will be greatly disrupted as scientists study her genetic material to find…
Customer buys Knoxville supply of duct tape
The bicycle of Huey Norton, protectedfrom a terrorist attack by duct tape. In response to the threat of a terrorist attack, and driven by the media frenzy to buy duct tape and bottled water, Huey Norton went on a buying spree. In a single day, Norton went to every duct tape supplier in Knoxville and…
Wife upset; husband buys Jumbotron
Jumbotron, still in its packing, waitsto be installed in a West Knoxville home A West Knoxville man, tired of his friends having a larger television screen than him for the big game or movies, had a Jumbotron installed in his home. The Jumbotron, measuring much larger than even his best friend’s 56″ widescreen high definition…