Author: Bjorn Knoxley

Researchers from Knoxville’s Supreme Council of Antiquities, inspired by a recent discovery around Knoxville of an early wheel prototype, decided to study the Sunsphere in downtown Knoxville. The Sunsphere is a monument believed to be built by early settlers of the Tennessee Valley. Some theorize it could have been built as early as 1980, but…

After much fierce debate, a plan for redevelopment of Knoxville’s own Market Square has been approved to proceed. The plan, which will cost taxpayers $432 million, will be completed by June of 2006. It will be executed by the 16th development firm that has attempted to redevelop the square, Jebediah, Eli, & Zechariah, Associates out…

In an attempt to ride the wave of success felt by Johnny Knoxville, Ernie Claxton wanted to start his own TV show. Unlike Knoxville’s show, which features gross-out gags, Claxton wanted to feature antics rednecks might perform after uttering the famous words “Hey, hold my beer!” All 3 major networks and 15 minor ones turned…

Those watching the UT Volunteer football team over the past few years may have noticed subtle changes in the look of the current coach. Although his salary is rather sizeable, and kickbacks are received for various product placements, this simply wasn’t enough. With each passing week he has slowly increased in size in an effort…

A recent battle regarding the preservation of a mailbox in the Historic Fourth and Gill Neighborhood (http://www.historicknoxville.com/tour.htm) has resulted in an unparalleled victory for preservationists. Bryan Hoag recently moved into the Fourth and Gill neighborhood with hopes of enjoying a long life in Downtown Knoxville. Before kicking back and enjoying the long, slow Knoxville sunsets…

In an attempt to squeeze as much success out of CSI as possible, CBS is adding market-specific programs. CSI: Knoxville will premiere near Christmas 2002. Mostly local actors, KPD, and hosts of local news programs will be utilized to add ‘gritty realism’ to the program. Similar to CSI and CSI: Miami, CSI: Knoxville will follow…

Now that the Universe Knoxville concept has been officially shut down, Knoxpatch.com has learned that a new plan is on the fast track to production. A new multi-use facility will be built instead, with a Bahamian atmosphere flowing into the streets of downtown Knoxville. A city block from Cable Beach, on Nassau Island, will be…

For the fourth time this month, the criminal known only to authorities as the “Stoplight Bandit” struck again yesterday afternoon. He managed to alter the stoplight at the intersection of Westland Drive and Gallaher View Road without being noticed. The Bandit has hit three other lights around Knoxville this month alone, including the light on…

Knoxville Vol fan Junior Scruggins was arrested by KPD officers at his home late Sunday. After an image of Scruggins was posted on the internet depicting him “exhibiting lewd behavior” at last Saturday’s game, the KPD launched an exhaustive manhunt that lasted 3 hours. No Scruggins family member was available for comment, but according to…

Ben Sanders has been playing the lottery for about 10 years now, making regular trips to Georgia, Florida, Kentucky, and elsewhere to buy tickets. He usually brings back tickets for friends, neighbors, and co-workers. He spends about $3000 a year going for the jackpot. “I always drove an old beat up pickup truck and lived…

Upon the organization of the Rationalists of East Tennessee, the city of Knoxville considered the intellectual capacity of the local populace to be maximized. According to sources, the city just could not possibly get any more intelligent. This past Friday, a new group has organized in Knoxville that consists of members even smarter than the…

A recent survey regarding print media in Knoxville has revealed that the National Enquirer is now the 2nd most trusted print news medium. The survey was designed to gauge how opinions regarding news have changed since 9/11/2001. Created by a national polling agency, the new study was the most extensive of its type to ever…

In a strange turn of events, it’s possible that Knoxville will be forced to change its name. A resident of our fine city has recently made a name for himself by registering the names of properties and potential businesses that are under development. Surprisingly he has discovered that Knoxville does not own the rights to…

Billboards are up, preachers are preaching, television spots are running, ads of some form are popping up all over. The good residents of Tennessee will soon be given the opportunity to vote for, or against, a state lottery. I haven’t yet figured out why this is a matter of debate. For some reason, certain folks…

This block of text is basically a piece without a beginning, middle, or end. A block of text without a story to share or any cynical observations to pass along. I simply want a public forum to point out that if Wal-Mart continues to place huge speed humps throughout parking lots they should be forced…