Category: News

Knox County Schools is considering a drastic measure in response to all the “whining West Knoxville parents who would rather send their kids to an old, run-down school instead of a nice new shiny school that doesn’t have the word ‘Farragut’ written on it.” Since nobody seems to be happy sending their children to a…

In a desperate attempt to become relevant for the 2008 presidential elections, some Republican strategists are scrambling to resurrect important dead historical Republican figures. Among the soon-to-be-living are Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan. “We just can’t get a break,” explained one strategist on condition of anonymity, “the Democrat candidates are hogging all the news stories,…

Governor Bredesen gave in to pressure today after mounting criticism of his Christmas card depicting a teenage girl he met while in an Afghanistan chat room. His new Christmas card depicts a teenage girl he met while in a North Korean chat room. “I’m not sure whether she is Buddhist or Confucianist, that wasn’t in…

Knoxpatch (KP) His abilities to use illegal funds to keep failing businesses afloat have caused some to flock to his side (some of these include: Brian Conley, Jack Neely, Bill Snyder, and Allan Miller). His personality made it impossible to dislike him. Now, Scott West has finally been sentenced for his drug and money laundering…

Knoxpatch (KP) In a local news first, WBIR this week will introduce a transgender news programmer. The new staff member, a flamboyant news junkie named Starla, hopes to attract a portion of the growing transgender television market. Initial assignments include sprucing up Schwall’s World and the Heartland Series. Starla’s introduction to the airwaves will take…

The Jones Soda Maternity Flavor Pack includes five new flavors: Pickles & Ice Cream, Prenatal Vitamin, Morning Sickness, Breast Milk, and Water Broke Mineral Water. Available for a limited time, the new pack is expected to make hundreds of thousands of dollars for Jones Soda, just like the other disgusting flavor packs they put out…

It may be an exercise in futility, but gamers across the country are hoping that being one of the first to get the new Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii will add a sense of meaning to their lives. One Knoxville shopper that wasn’t afraid to speak with reporters stood in line nearly 48 hours at…

At a press conference this week, Christopher Kringle announced that the North Pole Business Development Group has selected Knoxville-based McCarty Holsaple McCarty to build a new toy factory. McCarty Holsaple McCarty has recently designed several high profile buildings; including the Rainbow Vault in Ireleand and the controversial 12-acre chicken coop commissioned by the Easter Bunny….

A study published last week analyzed 6 months of letters to the editor of local newspapers, including the News Sentinel and the Metro Pulse. The researchers found that 7 out of 10 readers were more depressed after reading the letters than before. The other three readers never made it past the second letter. Three of…

Knoxpatch.com can confirm that late last night, a Farragut man who swerved to avoid a speedbump hit a pothole instead. Witnesses say the man, driving a 1997 Nissan Altima, had been swerving all over the road trying to avoid various obstacles, such as speed bumps, potholes, possums, and autumn leaves. The AAA tow truck driver…

Already bruised by her own party, Democrat House Speaker Pelosi returned home yesterday to further problems. 911 tapes reveal that Pelosi walked in on three kids stealing her MAD Magazine collection. Pelosi caught the suspects on her property red handed. In the 911 call, she tells the operator, “I can’t talk right now. There’s somebody…

After years of defending his defensive coordinator, Coach Phillip Fulmer has announced the resignation of Johnny Chavis. To fill this position, Fulmer tapped the newly unemployed Donald Rumsfeld to become the new Secretary of Defensive Coordination. Although Chavis has been effective since accepting the position of defensive coordinator in 1995, Fulmer feels that change was…

KNOXVILLE – Mayor Haslam has approved the construction of a fence along parts of the Knoxville border aimed at preventing outsiders from benefiting from city services for free. Supporters said the fence would cut down on crime and drug smuggling. But Steve Hall, fence opponent and City Council Member, was quick to point out that…

Mr. Bubble, born in the 1940s, has acknowledged he is “very content gay.” “I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions and am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man. My partner, Neil Patrick Harris, and I are living life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be…

Knoxville (Knoxpatch) Nearly a day earlier than expected, a judgment has been delivered following a lengthy trial for Saddam Hussein. Saddam, 69, has been convicted of crimes against humanity and multiple atrocities during his rein of terror. Many expected that Saddam would be sentenced to hang. Instead, Saddam has been sentenced to live out the…