Pelosi puts 911 on hold to apprehend suspects

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1998

Already bruised by her own party, Democrat House Speaker Pelosi returned home yesterday to further problems. 911 tapes reveal that Pelosi walked in on three kids stealing her MAD Magazine collection.

Pelosi caught the suspects on her property red handed. In the 911 call, she tells the operator, “I can’t talk right now. There’s somebody breaking into my property. They’re taking all my MAD Magazines, and I just can’t take any more bad news today.”

She says when he saw the suspects, she had to act fast. She told the 911 operator she was going to take matters in her own hands. “They may be dangerous, but not compared to me. I can out-crazy anybody, and today’s not the day to be on my bad side.”

Pelosi confronted the suspects and beat them into submission by rehashing her acceptance speech from recent elections.

A representative from Pelosi’s staff says that Pelosi decided not to file charges, and eventually decided to give her prized MAD Magazines to the would-be robbers. “She wasn’t really able to follow the story lines anyway, she just liked all the pretty pictures…and always thought that little Alfred E. Neuman was cute. If the robbers were smart enough to follow the stories, then they deserved the magazines.”