Category: News

The East Turtle Baptist Church holds pancake breakfasts each month to raise money for its building fund, mission trips, or other expenditures. Recently, conspiracy theorist Emo Higdon was breakfasting in their dining hall when he became suspicious. “I snuck back there and peeked through the door, and you know what I saw? They were back…

A recent study has shown that butterscotch is not Knoxville’s favorite candy. It ranked 17th, just under Maple Nut Goodies and Boston Baked Beans, which were tied for 16th.

Twine viewed at 250,000Xmagnification. The Knoxville Museum of Art has announced that they will have the world’s second smallest piece of twine on display through the remainder of 2005. The twine, housed in a square glass case that is .025 centimeters in diameter, is currently located in the women’s downstairs restroom until a more suitable…

Lance Armstrong’s recent record-breaking seventh Tours de France win is having an unexpected impact amongst cyclist and other endurance athletes. Many sports enthusiasts and pundits have pointed out that Armstrong’s phenomenal success has been impacted by his experience with cancer. This simple statement, implying that his ability to focus his energies and strive towards his…

Late last night, drivers on Clinton Highway and Edgemore Road in Claxton reported seeing a UFO hovering over a trailer park abducting residents. The residents appeared to be waiting in line, and many of them held signs asking to become part of “The 4400,” a reference to a popular television show about alien abductees returning…

Graduates of Leadership Knoxville often experience dissatisfaction and discontentment in the years following the highly praised program. These feelings are due, mainly, to the fact that they are often Leaders without Followers. Members from the class of 2005 claim that the problem is worse this year than it has been at any time in the…

While visiting Cancun’s off Cedar Bluff yesterday, Norm Sanders was delighted to find his usual giant bowl of chips complete with a separate salsa bowl for each person at his table. Elated by the opportunity to engage in double-dipping, he proceeded to empty the first basket of chips before his Speedy Gonzales arrived. Looking forward…

Millie Washburn recently visited the Wendy’s on Clinton Highway, only to be let down when she did not receive a finger in her chili. “I thought this was part of a new product campaign,” said Millie, “but they simply wouldn’t provide a finger in my meal.” To console Millie, the manager did eventually stir the…

After a prolonged legal battle, an independent Knoxville film studio has acquired rights to film a sequel to Ishtar. Although the script was completed in 1989, filming has been on hold because a 12% ownership stake in the title was held by one of the lead camels in the film. A suitable profit-sharing plan for…

According to researchers, Southern is neither a dialect, nor is it slang. It is a new language altogether. The Language Books Publishing Company, whose language books have not been selling well lately, conducted a study which began in February 2003. The study focused on whether children in Southern schools were getting the proper education from…

Saturday’s litter cleanup in Hardin Valley started off much like any other: three or four hardcore organizers and about 20 volunteers met at the firehall to begin walking the roads with plastic bags and gloves in hand. What they did not know was that the day would end in infamy. Throughout the morning, idle chit…

The metropolitan Knoxville area was temporarily shut down this morning on rumors a snowflake had been spotted. News of the snowflake spread like wildfire and everything immediately ceased to function. Upon hearing the news, many motorists instinctively spun out on bridges, sped into ditches, slammed into guardrails, and rammed into each other. Stores sold out…

Property in West Knox County which was recently condemned to make way for a new high school is embroiled in a new controversy. Real estate developer Elroy McClear has launched an effort to have the property condemned to make way for a strip mall, once the county has completed its condemnation with the current owners….

The Clarence Brown Theatre, located at the University of Tennessee, is featuring the world-premier of ” ” in May 2005. ” ” is a silent play featuring a cast of zero. Tom Cervone, Managing Director, of the Clarence Brown Theatre believes claims this will be one of the key productions since the opening of the…

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